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And then some other days….

So Tuesday was kind of a rotten day.

I’ll spare you all the details, but basically we got a piece of news that threw me into a bit of a tailspin. This news left me feeling defeated, like the air had been let out of me. I’m sure you know the feeling. Kind of like a punch in the gut that leaves you feeling absolutely exhausted.

I do my best to be a positive person. But I’ll be honest — it’s something I have to work at. I’m just not one of those people that positivity comes to naturally. I’ve made a lot of progress in this area in the last several years of my life, but every once in a while something comes along that drags me down again.

And Tuesday happened to be one of those days. I allowed one single thing to drag me down to the point where I just felt like giving up. It felt like everything I’ve been working for in the last few years had just been for nothing. A little voice in the back of my head told me that there really wasn’t any point to any of it, that I needed to give up on unrealistically wanting more and just resign myself to a ‘less-than’ existence.

Oh, it was ugly, alright.

I won’t tell you that CBG talked me down off the negativity ledge, because he didn’t. When I get in that particular head space there’s not really any talking me out of it. In fact, I become like a drowning person who frantically grabs onto the person closest to me and drags THEM down with me, too.

No, instead of trying to buoy me up with positivity, he simply got out of my way. He let me know that I was allowed to feel what I was feeling, but that I needed to go feel it someplace else, and not pull him down with me.

It was exactly what I needed.

A nice run the next morning gave me the opportunity to sort through everything in my head. It gave me the chance to work through what I was feeling, and more importantly, why I was feeling it. I realized that I’d been resting a great deal of my immediate happiness on a very thin wire. And then that particular wire snapped, leaving me feeling utterly defeated.

Once I was able to step outside of myself and work through it, I realized how silly I had been the day before. Sure, we suffered a bit of a setback, but it absolutely wasn’t the end of the world. And sure, I could be unhappy about this setback, but a) that unhappiness wasn’t going to make anything better, and b) I have plenty more things to base my happiness on.

I returned from my run feeling light, determined, and energized. I had a whole new outlook and found myself determined to tackle this obstacle head on…to do what needed to be done so we could just keep on keeping on. The best part of all is that I don’t have to do any of this alone. I have my very own partner in crime, who knows when to step back so I can have the time and space to re-adjust my crappy attitude and get back to living.

Look out world, here we come.

Some Days….

Some days you just wake up not feeling it. Today is one of those days for me.

I’ve been working very hard lately to remain positive in the face of negativity from outside sources, to put on a smile, count my blessings and push through. Not sure how possible that’s going to be today. It might be one of those days when “getting through” is going to have to be enough.

Some days it’s a whole lot more tiring than others. These are the days when I double up on the coffee, cross my fingers, and hope for the best.

Some days I need to lean on others a little more than usual. Those are the days when I have the toughest time doing it.

Some days, happiness is a little more elusive than others. Today is one of them.

This Amazing Life

I’ve said before that the most terrifying thing about life is also the most wonderful: the unpredictability of it all.

Five years ago CBG and I had just had our very first date. I knew from the start that he was an amazing guy…the kind of guy I’d always dreamed of meeting for so many reasons. And although I knew immediately that meeting him was going to change my life in some way, I had absolutely no idea how — or how much.

Five years ago my life veered off in a direction that led me down the path to where I am today. When I started down that particular path, I had no idea that this is where I would end up. I couldn’t have predicted this life that I’m now living; a life that is happier than any scenario I likely could have dreamed up for myself.

I know that life isn’t perfect. No one’s is. We all have our own struggles and challenges and obstacles. Happiness isn’t about creating (or finding) a life that is free of these things. It’s about making a daily choice to see past them to the good stuff that is underneath. It’s about choosing to use these challenges and struggles we’re all given to grow and learn and do better next time. It’s about knowing  — feeling it in your bones — that even with all the garbage that’s there, life is still pretty damn good.

It’s also about feeling immense gratitude for all the gifts that you have been given. The gifts that maybe don’t seem like gifts right now. Because honestly, we don’t know what life has in store for us. Maybe that huge obstacle that is right in front of you is going to veer you off into a much better direction — a direction that you otherwise would never have chosen for yourself. Instead of hating that obstacle, try instead to simply appreciate it for what it is, and have a little faith that ultimately, everything will work out okay.

Life is amazing, friends. Stop for a minute…wherever you are, whatever is going on with you right now, and just enjoy it.

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Kicking Negativity’s Ass

I try really hard to be a positive person. Admittedly, I’m not successful at this 100% of the time. I do fall into blue funks now and then, or struggle with only seeing the shitty things in life sometimes.

[Hey —  I’m awesome, not perfect.]

I find myself particularly struggling when I am around other negative people. I am sensitive to the moods of other people….so when someone that I’m close to is having a bad day, it often brings me down. The good news is that this works the other way, too — when I’m around happy and positive people, it makes me feel happy and positive too.

It can be tough to pull myself up out of a negative space when there’s negativity around me. It just is. I’ve realized lately that I’ve allowed myself to be pulled down by individuals and events around me. Not that I’ve been down in the dumps or anything, just that I’ve been a lot more negative and cynical than I normally am –or that I want to be. Now, I understand that life isn’t always rosy. Shitty things happen  in life from time to time. Nothing is perfect in life. Shitty events and people wear us down. It’s part of life.

But once we allow ourselves to get dragged down, then suddenly we’re seeing everything through murky, shit-coloured glasses. All the less-than-perfect parts of life are glaringly obvious all.the.time. The good stuff pales in comparison. It’s hard to feel happy and excited by life when everything is viewed through a cynic’s critical, suspicious eye.

That outlook might be okay for some people, but it’s not okay for me. I would rather go through life with wild, blind optimism than with shit-coloured glasses. The optimist is less suspicious of others and is more willing to show some compassion and cut people a little slack. The optimist sees that while A,B and C aren’t great right now, X,Y and Z absolutely are. The optimist rolls with the punches, sees the rainbow that comes at the end of the rainstorm. The optimist smiles, knowing that it will pay off, one way or the other.

Now, I don’t know if I believe that better things necessarily happy to people with a positive attitude. Maybe this is true, maybe this isn’t. What I do know is that in general, people like positive people. They are attracted to them. They want to spend time with them, and do nice things FOR them. I know that positive people are better able to let the garbage of life slide off their backs because when you’re feeling happy and upbeat, the crappy stuff just doesn’t seem nearly as crappy. Much like a negative attitude, positivity is contagious. So in my books, positivity works. Life absolutely gets better when you work to maintain a positive attitude.

I’ve been wearing those shit-coloured glasses for a while now, and it’s time to take them off and give myself another much needed attitude adjustment. Because the truth is, life is pretty damn good, even with the hardships and imperfections. And even better, there are some good things on the horizon for CBG and I as we head into another year together. And I don’t want to miss one single thing because I can’t see what’s right in front of me.

I’m planning on making a few changes to help push away the negativity in my life and allow the positivity to grow and multiply. I know the person that I am, underneath it all, and the person that I want to be. And you know what? Positivity is going to win this round.

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Solo Sunday

This past weekend I got one of those rare opportunities to have a day to myself. CBG was off spending the weekend with Ankle Biter, and in the morning the girls went off with their dad to spend Father’s Day with him. So I was all on my own.

Truth be told, I’ve been looking forward to having a day to myself for a few weeks now. I’m the kind of person who needs a certain amount of time to myself. Growing up, because of the big age gap in my family, I was basically like an only child. I grew up in a rural area and didn’t see my friends much outside of school. As I grew older I always valued having time just for me. It was something that I missed terribly when my girls were little and I was a stay at home mom.

For those four years that CBG and I were doing the long distance thing, the one benefit was that I got plenty of alone time. I had two nights every week when the girls were off with their dad that were all mine. Sure, sometimes I spent those nights moping around and feeling more than a bit sorry for myself, but for the most part I enjoyed having time to recharge my batteries.

Now with CBG living here, time like this to myself if hard to come by. To be clear: this is not a complaint in any way. As I’ve recently written about, I love having him here – so very much. But even with that, I still need a certain amount of “me time”, and lately, that’s been a little bit lacking.

So Sunday was a welcome day for me. After the girls went off with their dad I headed out for a nice long run. I had a quiet shower in peace, I ate lunch in front of the TV, glued to one of my guilty pleasures lately “Say Yes to the Dress”, before heading out into the sunshine for a nice walk around the neighbourhood.  I picked up some food for dinner before coming home and spending the rest of the time cooking and cleaning up a storm. By the time CBG rolled in the door at around 8:00 pm I was relaxed, smiling, and very much glad to get a huge hug.

Thanks to a little Sunday solo time, I started the week with a smile, feeling relaxed and refreshed, my stress levels lower than they’ve been in a while. It was a good reminder for me of how important time to myself really is, just to feel happy and balanced.

Note to self: Take more alone time. You’re a better person for it.

This Week’s Simple Joys

gratitudeThere were several small joys this week. Joys that I took the time to notice and appreciate. Things that might otherwise have slipped through the cracks, going unnoticed, on weeks when I wasn’t paying attention.

But I did pay attention.

And here are some reasons that I’m glad that I did:

  • A short early morning run for the first time in weeks.
  • A snow day with my two special girls.
  • Make up sex.
  • An absolute perfect bowl of oatmeal.
  • Feeling, without a doubt, how very loved that I am.
  • A dinnertime picnic on the kitchen floor.
  • The sound of the snow crunching under my feet on a walk to work.
  • Reaching out in the dark and feeling CBG beside me.
  • Bright winter sunlight bouncing off the brilliantly fresh snow.
  • Falling even more in love.
  • A heart-to-heart with my best friend.
  • Shoveling with my daughter and breathing in the cold freshness of winter.
  • Family dessert night.
  • Feeling the boundaries of my love being tested and realizing that it runs deeper than I ever thought possible.
  • Loving, loving, loving.

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Still Sinking In

It’s been about four months now since CBG moved here. Since our life together finally began.

The official report? It’s still amazing. Sure, we’re not without the occasional issue. But right now, I have to say that we’re still in the “cohabitational bliss” phase of life.

The girls are loving having CBG here with us. On the weekends that he goes away to see Ankle Biter, they miss him when he’s not around. Sure, we enjoy our dedicated girl time, but the thrill of being able to dance around in their underwear wears off after the first 24 hours. The three of them — CBG and my girls — are growing closer together every day. And it’s wonderful to see.

From everything we can see, Ankle Biter is adjusting well. CBG being in another city has actually only meant a small disruption to his day-to-day life. Their twice weekly video chats have been filling in the gap. CBG’s ex has been awesome about that.  I have nothing but respect for her and how she’s been handling things in terms of helping and encouraging CBG and Ankle Biter continue their relationship long distance. Kudos to her. When CBG and Ankle Biter do have their weekends together, they are full of fun and adventure. The girls and I join them every now and again too, which always results in a fun family weekend.

Honestly, though, even though he’s been here for four months now, I still sometimes have a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that CBG isn’t going anywhere. That he’s here — to stay. Just the other night I had one of those “wow” moments….”Wow. He’s here…to stay.” And a huge grin spread across my face with this knowledge.

Having CBG here is better than I ever anticipated it to be. I know that I keep repeating myself on this, but honestly, the point is still being driven home for me. I wake up every single morning completely grateful for all that I have. I wake up more in love with the man beside me than I was the day before. It’s all still sinking in…and every time I have one of those “moments of realization”, I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

Life is wonderful. Wonderful! 

I hope I never get used to this feeling. I want to always appreciate it.

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