I realize that my last post was a bit…negative.
Well, not negative exactly, but more focused on the negative aspects of life right now. We all feel it from time to time — weighed down by the burden of crap that we’re forced to deal with. Some days that burden seems heavier than others.
Some people have expressed concern about CBG and I, and the state of things. And sure, while we have a lot of stuff that’s been happening, and a lot of “stuff” to deal with, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on all the good stuff. Because it sure as hell isn’t all bad. Life never is. And I firmly believe that it is the ability to see the positives, despite everything else, that makes the difference between generally positive people, and generally negative ones.
As I mentioned before, things haven’t been great with CBG and I. Some days there are disagreements and hurtful words. There have been days without any words at all. Nights when I have laid in bed and wondered what was going to happen with us. But despite everything – those bad days, those hurtful words and expression of ugly emotion – one thing hasn’t changed. I love him fiercely. It’s that love that’s worn me down and worn me out, as I’ve tried so hard to help him this past while. It’s that love that has caused me to give and give and give until I’ve been emptied out.
But now, it’s that same love that is giving me reason to focus more on me right now. Because I know that if I want that love to remain, and to grow and become strong again, then I need to make sure that I am a strong, whole, and healthy person on my own. A person free of resentment. The best me that I can be. Because that’s the person that is going to do the best job of loving him — not this hollow shell of a woman that I’ve been feeling like lately.
I remember clearly the Sunshine and CBG when things are good. We are unstoppable. We are joyful and inspired and fun and free, bringing out the best in one another. They’re still there – I see glimpses of them – a little more lately, in fact. A little more as we both make the conscious effort to be our best selves. I am encouraged by this forward momentum.
I see CBG with my girls. I see how they are positively impacted by having him in their lives. I see how much they love him, and how much he loves them back. There are nights – like last night, in fact – when I see one of my girls snuggled up next to him on the couch and it makes my heart swell. I know how far they’ve come. I know the challenges that are there to bond with someone else’s children. I know how hard he works to be a good stepfather to them.
Another thing that I have seen lately is CBG making the effort. I know that it’s not easy for him right now, and that he’s been feeling a little overwhelmed. But he’s pushing back against it, taking steps forward, and trying. That counts for something. Because the thing is – I know that he loves me right back. I know there are days when it’s more of a challenge than others, but it’s still there. I see it clearly in his eyes on the good days. And that’s what I comfort myself with on the bad ones.
Good stuff? Yeah. We’ve got it.