This past week or so I’ve had fear sitting squarely on my back, whispering ugly things in my ear. I’ve heard whisperings, rumblings in the past several months, but at some point this week, it climbed up on my back — a big, overgrown, smelly monkey and started chattering — loudly. Too loudly for me to ignore.
And instead of thinking of all the reasons why this big stupid, stinky monkey was wrong (or at least misinformed), I allowed myself to think, “Well…he DOES have a point.” And it all spiraled downhill from there, to the point where yesterday I’d reached the point of near panic. That monkey had a firm, cold grip around my throat — my throat that I’d willingly exposed to him.
I woke up this morning determined to pry myself loose and shake that monkey off my back. I need to take control of things — of myself, my life, and my decisions. I have allowed fear to rule my life too many times in the past. Fear kept me in unhappy relationships, unhappy jobs. It held me back from directions that I truly wanted to go. It prevented me from growth. It stood in the way of happiness.
It’s been the boss for far too long.
I’ve mistaken comfort with overcoming fear, when the truth is, it’s just been me allowing fear to make the decisions for me, without resisting it. Because the problems don’t come when I feel the fear; the problems actually arise when I resist it. And that’s what’s been happening this week — an all out battle of me vs. fear. And it’s been terribly uncomfortable.
I went out for my run this morning and somewhere along the way, I managed to knock that monkey off my back. There’s no chattering there for now. I’m certain that it will return at some point — likely sooner than I’d like. But in the meantime, the plan is to build up an arsenal of weapons to keep fighting against it.
Because frankly, I’m tired of Fear calling the shots, of steering the direction of my life. Enough is enough.