Tricky Parts of Marriage

I’ve written about this before, I’m sure. About how marriage is just plain hard some days. I firmly believe that it’s supposed to be hard sometimes, though. I mean…why wouldn’t it be? Marriage is about sharing your life with someone. It’s about compromise and getting along and sometimes doing things that you don’t really want to do. To me, that’s work. I know that not everyone agrees with that perspective. But even if you don’t agree with my definition of “work”, you can at least agree that marriage requires effort sometimes, yes?

I’ve been thinking this week about balance in marriage. About how a good marriage is a bit of a balancing act. That depending on what’s happening, sometimes the marriage is more focused on one partner than the other. Nothing wrong with that, as long as the pendulum swings back at some point, so that the other partner gets some of that focus at some point as well.

I think one of the trickiest parts of all in a marriage is figuring out when it’s time to be completely giving and unselfish, and when it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and be totally selfish. In a well-balanced relationship there’s comfortably room for both; but again, only when there is a give-and-take and both partners feel that everything works out fair in the end.

One of the things wrong with my first marriage was that I gave and gave and gave – and my ex took and took and took – until I was completely drained…not to mention pretty dang resentful. I grew up thinking that if you loved someone you should give everything to them…and that anything else was selfish and well…just plain bad. Thankfully I’ve learned a lot since those days, and I realize that we’re all selfish sometimes and not only is that okay…but it’s actually healthy. It’s good to sometimes put our own wants and needs ahead of others. Because honestly, sometimes that’s the only way those needs will get taken care of.

But you know what’s kind of shitty? Some days I still have that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m a kinda crappy wife. Old habits die hard I guess…and old inner monologues die even harder.

One Response

  1. I was also raised to give and give, it is taking me time to realize that isn’t possible.

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