It’s weird, but sometimes it’s like I almost forget who I’m married to.
Now, I’m not talking early-onset Alzheimer’s or anything like that. Or I don’t suddenly think that I’m actually married to Ryan Gosling or Paul Rudd or even John Hamm.
(Related: I smell a revised ‘Top 5 list’ blog post coming on)
No, what I mean is that even though CBG and I have been together for over six years now (crazy to think about), I sometimes forget that he is dramatically different than my ex husband.
Lord. Yes…I know how that sounds. Humour me and read on, would ya?
So I’m going to fess up and admit that I still have some lingering issues from my first marriage. Nothing major, really, just some…tendencies that rise to the surface like a foul odor. Usually when I’m least expecting it. Everything is going along (seemingly) great and then suddenly…there it is. And for some reason, things go from “What’s that smell? Did someone cut one?” to “Damn, I reek!” pretty quickly.
We had one such moment (or more like a series of moments) recently when I had a bit of a meltdown in CBG’s general direction. Now, the reasons behind this are complex, as they often are in a marriage, as any married person can likely sympathize. Much of it boiled down to the fact that I need that husband of mine to step up and do more. In terms of housework. In terms of our marriage. In terms of his own self-care.
He’s written a lot about his recovery from depression over the last several months and while there has been improvement, he’s not “all better”. Not yet, anyhow. Some of this is showing up in other areas of our life — many of them in the areas I mentioned above. I hesitated to bring any of this up with him, as the deep dark part of my brain was expecting him to a) disagree with my assessment of the situation; b) give me a list of reasons WHY I was wrong; c) completely disregard my feelings on things and then d) not actually do anything about it.
Guess what? Me expecting that reaction even a little bit is kind of crappy of me, because the truth is, I have no basis in my relationship with CBG to expect that. Because he’s not that guy. He’s never been that guy. Those fears of mine have no basis in my current marriage and are based entirely on my past life.
I fully admit that I kind of suck as a wife sometimes. Thankfully I make up for it in other ways.
After my meltdown, and ensuing discussion, guess what? CBG took to heart my concerns and has started making greater efforts in all the areas I mentioned. He has stepped back up in the housework department. He’s once again paying greater attention to our marriage. He’s even making a bigger effort at just simply taking better care of himself, too. Because guess what? He’s not my ex husband. Not even close, in fact. And that’s something that I need to remind myself of a little bit more often.
No meltdowns necessary. I’m pretty sure I know at least one person who will be pretty happy to hear that.