Sh*t Just Got Real

I haven’t been blogging all that much lately, I know. There hasn’t been any real reason for it, just a lack of inspiration and motivation to do it. Although I’ve been doing a decent job at fighting the Seasonal Affective Disorder this year, I’ve still been feeling somewhat “meh”. It’s been a brutally harsh winter in our neck of the woods and that’s definitely worn me down. We had three storms in 7 days last week. In March. The month spring falls in.

Ugh. Of course, that would wear on anyone.

And while I’ve been doing lots of good things to combat my Seasonal Affective Disorder — exercising every day, using my UV lamp, taking vitamins, getting plenty of rest — I’ve also been doing some not so great things, too. Specifically, eating alllllllllll the junk food.

All of it. All the time.

I read somewhere that it’s common for people who are depressed (particularly those who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder), often self-medicate with carbs in particular. Um…yeah. I can confirm that this is, indeed a fact. #GimmeAllTheSugar

I have had struggles with my weight for most of my life. I’ve yo-yoed up and down for the better part of my adulthood. The last four or five years, however, I’ve done a pretty decent job of keeping my weight in a healthy range. Sure, a few pounds creep on every winter but a few weeks of getting back on track with healthy eating and exercise and life returns to normal. I thought I had it all figured out.

This year, I’ve made several attempts to “get back on the wagon”, particularly after Christmas was over. I’ll go a few days and everything is great, and then another snowstorm comes and CBG and I are stocking up on storm chips and ice cream, and my healthy eating resolve has once again gone straight out the window. And despite the consistent running all winter, you can’t out-exercise a bad diet.

There’s also the issue of living in the same house with someone who is struggling with his own food and weight issues. Yes, CBG is doing so much better lately, but there’s still a lot of medicating with junk food going on. And well, it’s pretty tough to stay on track when you’ve got a partner in crime who is all too willing to be the devil on my shoulder when I’m feeling tempted by chocolate or ice cream.  To be clear, though, I’m not blaming him for the predicament I’m finding myself in right now. He didn’t hold me down and force delicious, delicious cookies and Doritos into my face every weekend we spent together. I have made every single bad food choice in the last 4 or 5 months all on my own.

All I’ll be honest. I’ve been comforting myself with food. CBG and I have an argument, and I’ll curl up with some chocolate to feel better. Work stress is eased for a little while when I’ve got a bag of Doritos in my hand — at least until the chips are gone, that is. Sure, my husband and I weren’t as intimate as we’d like, but that is momentarily forgotten in a bowl of ice cream. You get the idea.

Now, I know that there’s worse things in life than putting on a few pounds. I also realize that there are people out there who have much greater weight struggles than mine. But I’ve reached the point where clothes aren’t fitting and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel sluggish. I feel embarrassed. I am uncomfortable taking my clothes off in front of my husband.

This is not the woman I’ve been for the past 4+ years, and I’m unused to it. I feel as though right now I’m at a crossroads; nip this in the bud now, before it’s a huge problem, or just throw my hands up in the air, slide even further backwards, and deal with it much much later.

Welp…I’m dealing with this now, dammit. March is the time of year when the S.A.D. fog really begins to lift…when I finally feel motivated to start putting on some serious running miles. CBG is feeling better and our marriage is in a much better place than it was 2 or 3 months ago. I know what it means to eat healthy and do all the right things. With the exception of the past 4 or 5 months, I’ve been doing it for years now. And well…it’s time to stop with the crappy excuses and just do what I need to do.

Sh*t just got real, yo.

6 Responses

  1. Ben and I have always said that we can’t live together because we’d both be huge. We dine like KINGS when we’re together. I can only imagine what the comfort of my love AND good junk food would do to me – especially when you throw in such miserable weather.

    I’m certainly not in the same shape I used to be when I was doing triathlons. I’m also really hard on myself because I’m not used to it. Still, I hope to be gentle on myself and make better food choices… Plus allow some junk food now and then.

    I trust you’ll find a balance when the warm weather comes back. I don’t have a doubt.


    • You make a good point. “Back in the day” I used to have two weeks in between weekends together to reign things in and eat right. These days our weekends start on Thursdays and run through until at least Monday. 😉

      Thanks for the support. I’m looking forward to getting back on track and feeling like myself again.

  2. I agree with everything in your post. Yes, do it now! Before it’s too late. You know too well all of my struggles. At 54, I wish I would have reigned it in sooner and kept it off. (I lost 65 lbs in 1997 and gained every ounce of it back.) But, like T said, I have no doubt you’ll find the balance! You’re a strong & determined woman!

    • Thanks, Tammy! I’m feeling motivated to get back in control with things. It’s not like I’ve gained a ton of weight or anything (thankfully), but it doesn’t take much on my frame for it to be noticeable. Time to take charge again. 🙂

  3. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually over stormchips. My weakness is junkfood but once it stops being a treat and becomes a regular indulgence, the guilt and regret increase tenfold. The sooner the sun comes out, the sooner I’ll more easily find that motivation for fresh fruits and veggies and all the natural healthful foods of summer.

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