Yesterday CBG and I had a heated conversation. It boiled down to the fact that I’m feeling “stuck” in life. I’m feeling a definite lack of passion, fun and “interest”. I am feeling bogged down by the monotony of everyday life. The routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, spending a few hours on the couch and then going to bed is getting mighty old. I know that winter is in part responsible for this feeling. It’s difficult to feel inspired by life when we’ve had almost nothing but constant shitty weather for the past two weeks.
During the conversation, CBG was feeling frustrated at me for not being able to offer up any kind of suggestions for what needed to happen, what changes need to be made in order to make the situation better. Trust me, not being able to do that adds to my own frustration as well. I would love nothing more than to be able to come up with a big fat idea that sparks my interest and re-ignites my passion for life.
But so far, there is nothing.
Even the things that I was once passionate about — like writing, for instance — isn’t giving me the same amount of joy that it used to. I am struggling not only to find inspiration, but them to actually sit down and do the writing.
I feel like life is passing me by. I fear that one day, I’m going to be an old lady, not able to do the things I want to do, deeply regretting all the hours I spent watching tv on the couch.
I miss the old Sunshine and CBG, who were excited by life. Since we didn’t get much time together, we were determined to squeeze every bit of joy out of the time that we did have. We didn’t take each other for granted. Now, I know that things change and relationships don’t stay the same. But still…there is a passion missing there. And frankly, it scares me.
I know that depression is largely to blame for this. Yes, CBG is making strides thanks to his medication, but that’s not a magic cure-all for everything. I am working hard to take care of myself over the winter, and while it is helping, again, it is no magic solution.
Maybe things will change come spring, I don’t know. In the meantime, all I can do is remind myself of the love that CBG and I share, and hope with all my might that it is enough to see us through.