This probably doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone, but I’ve been struggling with my attitude lately.
I’ve been working hard to try and do all the right things: take good care of myself, focus on the good stuff, make an effort with CBG and our marriage. Some days it feels pretty genuine. I feel good about my progress in all of these areas, and confident about the future.
Other days, not so much.
The “not so much” days tend to sneak up on me and hit me out of the blue when I have my guard down. A seemingly small thing will trigger all my doubts and insecurities and fears and it’s like all the progress, all the good stuff, just flies right out the window.
Monday was one of those days. A misunderstanding between CBG and I triggered my fears an insecurities and once again I found myself weighed down by negativity. It was like all the efforts of the past couple of weeks — on both our parts — meant absolutely nothing. In the blink of an eye it all fell apart.
The problem is that I’m kind of impatient with everything. I just want everything to be better right now, goddammit. I’m tired of working. I miss the days when things between CBG and I were easy and free. I worry that we will never get back to that place again. When I’m feeling more level-headed and logical I know that this is bullshit, that of course things will be good again, but when I’m stuck in the middle of a negative thought tailspin, its tough to remember that.
Very, very tough.
We’ve all been fed the lie that love means things are easy. I’ve told myself for years now that I know that it’s absolutely not easy all the time, but the truth is, with the exception of a few hiccups along the way, things have been pretty easy for CBG and I up until now. I mean, sure, we had the distance to deal with when we were living apart, but when we were together, things were good.
I know that there are ups and downs in life, and in marriage. I know that right now, we’re having a bit of a “down”, but that if we stick with it, if we both work hard, then we will find that “up” again. In the meantime I have to make sure that I keep my shitty attitude in check…because all the effort and good intentions mean nothing when a rotten attitude can just erase all that in the blink of an eye.
Last night, lying in bed face to face, we reaffirmed our love and commitment and dedication to one another. Things we both already knew, but still need to hear from time to time.
I love my husband. And he loves me.