The Ugliness of Fear

fear

Yesterday was a really fearful day.

It was one of those days when CBG and I forgot that we are on the same team. Our individual fears clouded our perception and allowed us to go down an ugly path. Thankfully, we were able to pull ourselves back from it — eventually.

Depression is hard, yo. So.fucking.hard. I’ve been depressed before, I know how it can cloud one’s judgment and dramatically change one’s perspective. Depression whispers lies and you believe them; that’s really what depression is: believing those lies that your twisted messed up brain tells you.

I feel like an asshole talking about how difficult my husband’s depression is for me to deal with, but it’s true. Anyone who has ever had a depressed spouse/partner knows this. It’s so hard watching the person you love struggle. It’s devastating to watch them engaging in self-destructive behavior. It’s exhausting to constantly be fighting against the pull of negativity so you don’t start drowning right along with them.

It’s worse for me right now, too, since I’ve got my own “winter blues” issue that I’m struggling against. I simply have way less mental and emotional reserves to try and prop someone else up. Sometimes I have more than enough for two. Other times, I don’t even have enough for myself, which is basically where I’m at right now.

When CBG and I are both feeling our best, we are magic together. We lift one another up even more. We inspire one another to better and better things. We bring out the best in one another. Other times, when one is up and the other is down, we’re still fine; because the patient and optimistic one can carry things for both of us for a while. Which is what marriage is about right? Give and take. Carrying the burden sometimes when your partner can’t.

Right now we’re in a place where we are both ‘down’. That’s a dangerous place for us to be, because just like we are able to bring out the best in one another, when we’re like this, then we bring out the worst. It is in these rare moments when things get ugly. And fearful.

And fear in a marriage? Well…it sucks. And yesterday was the most fearful day that we’ve experienced together in, well, maybe…ever. My hope is that yesterday was “rock bottom” and that things will start to get better from here. After talking more last night, it’s obvious that we’re both trying just a little bit harder.

I am hopeful. After all — this man is the love of my life. Or rather, the man he was, before being weighed down by depression. I miss that guy. A lot.

6 Responses

  1. I appreciate your candor and honesty. It is painful to read, so I can only imagine what it is like to live. Wishing you both the best.

    • Thanks, Cheryl. I always do my best to write honestly about our experience — for better or for worse. It’s not always easy, but that’s the nature of life, isn’t it?

  2. I, too, have moments of fear in my relationship. Especially now I know my undiagnosed chronic depression was the major reason my marriage failed.

    Now that I’m in relationship with a wonderful man and moving in together is in the works. Albeit, he’s aware of my situation I’m fearful at the thought of him seeing and living with my depression and the side effects of the medications.

    Living apart gives us both respite. When I’m feeling lethargic to engage in any activity or I feel irritable retreat to my home.

    • …cont (I’m not good at cell keypad 🙂 )

      ** I retreat to my own home to temporarily deal with my depressive tendencies.

      Fortunate are those who don’t suffer from this disease. Just know you and your hubby are not alone. N.

      • Thanks, Nic.

        It **IS** helpful to be able to retreat when one is feeling awful. CBG and I were in a long distance relationship for 4 years before he finally changed cities to be with me. When one of us was feeling down or struggling with something, we would often retreat into our own space…just quietly do our own thing until we were feeling better. It was beneficial for both of us to be able to do that. Not nearly as possibly these days, since we live (and work!) together, but we still find little ways to take some mental and emotional space from one another. It’s a good thing.

        Thanks for the reassurance that we’re not alone. I really do appreciate it. 🙂

  3. […] been a pretty rough few months, as I’ve written about previously. More than once, even. The good news is that it feels like CBG and I have finally turned a corner. […]

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