For those of you who read CBG’s blog, you’ll know that he’s going through a tough time right now, mentally and emotionally. He’s finally getting treatment for his depression, but he’s struggling to find the right treatment for him. He had a bit of an upswing for several weeks, but then his doctor switched his medication and well…it all went downhill from there. To the point that he’s now worse off than he was before he even started taking medication to begin with.
And he doesn’t see his doctor again for another week and a half.
While a part of me wants to say that CBGs depression isn’t about me, as my bestie pointed out this week: of course it does. Because that’s what happens in a marriage. We don’t exist in two silos. I’ve been feeling dragged down. Kind of like when someone is drowning…they grab onto the closest person to them, and end up pulling them down, too. With my own current issues with Seasonal Affective Disorder and not being my best self, I’m having a tough time keeping us both afloat.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that I can’t do it.
Basically I’ve gone into survival mode this past week or so. I’ve been doing as much as I can to focus on, and take care of myself. Right now, with CBG thinking and feeling the way he is, the best I can hope for is to simply avoid conflict as much as possible. This has resulted in me not really being around a whole lot. I’ve been…hermiting, as I do sometimes, but in the best way possible for me. I’ve been spending time reading, napping, watching movies alone, still running every single day. Leaning on friends who understand and who are able to help me see things a little more objectively.
On the one hand I feel like I’m abandoning my husband, but on the other, I know that I can’t keep us both afloat right now. I just can’t. I feel like the best thing I can do is take the space I need to focus on myself, and ride things out with him. He’s not in a place where he is able to do the best things for himself and those around him. I know that’s the Depression talking but as anyone who had been in this place before knows, Depression can’t be reasoned with. I’ve tried. It has only made matters worse.
So right now…we’re in survival mode. Don’t talk about anything important. Recognize the Depression when it does the talking. Do your best to avoid conflict. Get used to feeling lonely.
The thing is — I miss my husband. Not the person that I’m still sleeping beside (most nights), but the man that was there before….months ago — maybe even years ago — before this all began. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. I started seeing glimpses a few weeks ago and it was encouraging, but all that’s gone now. He’s been replaced by someone else; someone I don’t recognize or even particularly like.
However, as my bestie has also reminded me: this isn’t a forever situation. Things will improve, we just have to hang on until then.
I just wish someone would throw us a lifeline. At this point, we both need it.