I’ve been feeling better lately. I mean, I’m still not working at 100%, but my mood and my energy levels have definitely improved, thanks to a good regimen of self care. I’m still dealing with fear, but I find that I’ve been a little better at keeping it at bay. Again, I’ll also credit that to good self-care. Funny how much of this boils down to the same things.

I’ve also being thinking long and hard lately about CBG and everything that he’s dealing with — namely, depression. And the thing is, he needs me right now. Marriage requires that sometimes one partner or the other is required to sacrifice a bit for the one that they love. And when you hold the two of us side by side — me with my winter blues and him with capital “D” Depression — well, it’s pretty obvious who needs to be the priority and who needs to put on her big girl panties and suck it up.

I know what to expect with my condition. I know what will help and what will make it worse. Also, most importantly, I know that come March or so, it will feel like a big, dark cloud has been lifted and I will be my regular self again. CBG, on the other hand, doesn’t know how long he’s going to be struggling with the worst of it, or exactly what is going to help him get to where he needs to be.

In the hierarchy of important issues, his is on the top. And you know what? I’m okay with that. There have been times (and will be times again, I’m sure) when our relationship was way more about me and my issues than it was about him and his. That’s when he sucked it up and did what was required to help me through things. Now it’s simply time for me to step up and be the supporter.

Oddly enough, this has actually contributed to my feeling better in the past week or so. I’m no longer wallowing in my own exhaustion and negative feelings. I’m in “go mode”. I’m in, “I’m-here-to-help-and-support-my-husband-any-way-I-can mode.” Nothing like getting out of your own head and forgetting about your issues in order to help someone else through theirs. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’m ignoring my own needs — not by a long shot. I know that I can set a good example for my husband by taking good care of myself while I’m helping him, too.

I’m just sitting in the back seat while I do it. Because that’s what marriage sometimes requires.

One Response

  1. At our wedding, the minister’s sermon was about how a marriage is like a team bike race. That throughout the race, you’ll keep switching places. Sometimes one person will have to pull ahead, and work harder, while letting the other ‘catch the draft’ behind them and get a little break. And then you’ll switch, and the person who was behind will have to pull up and take the reigns while the other slows back down a bit. It was the perfect way of describing where we were in life at the time, and it continues to make sense as we move forward together.

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