I’ve come to an important realization. I’ve been kind of a crappy wife lately.
To be clear, this isn’t a “poor me” post. I’m not looking for anyone to reassure me and tell me that I’m a fantastic wife or anything like that at all. This post is about me owning my shit, plain and simple. This is about me taking a long hard look at myself, and realizing that I haven’t exactly been my best self lately when it comes to being a wife. Of course there’s good reason for it — it’s tough to be one’s normal effervescent self when you’re struggling to just get out of bed every morning.
But the truth is, that may be the reason behind it, but that doesn’t give me a pass. Yes, I may be struggling with some things, but that doesn’t mean that I get to be an arsehole throughout it. The harsh truth is that I’ve been pretty selfish lately. It sucks to have to admit it, but not nearly as much as it sucks to live through it.
It’s not like I’ve been a raging bitch lately or anything like that. I just know that there are things that I normally do, things that I should still be doing, that I’m not. I’ve been so focused on me — on my energy levels, my mood, on feeling sorry for pitiful self — that I’ve allowed some of my marital obligations to slip. I just haven’t been putting the energy and emotion into my marriage (and my husband) that is both deserved and required for a healthy, harmonious relationship.
Basically, it’s tough to be a good wife when you’ve got your head planted firmly up your own butt, which is where mine has been for the past while. I’ve allowed myself to ignore what CBG is going through, thinking way more about the effect it’s having on me and my life. Like feeling resentful that CBG isn’t keeping up his end of the housework, for example, rather than realizing that it’s because he’s depressed, not because he’s an insensitive dick.
Y’know….stuff like that.
I’m not perfect. I’m not a perfect mother, wife, or human being. CBG is well aware of this fact, and I know that he’s going to tell me that I’ve been doing a great job as his wife (even though I haven’t, really) and that he doesn’t expect any more from me (even though he probably should). The thing is, I expect more from myself. I know when I’m living up to my own personal expectations, and when I’ve been falling short.
And well, lately, I’ve been falling short.
I realize that my resources are limited. I only have so much energy — mental, physical and emotional — and that lately I have a whole lot less of all three. But the thing is, even though the energy pie as a whole may have gotten smaller, that doesn’t meant that CBG & my marriage gets a smaller piece. It’s not fair of me to steal energy from my husband in order to hoard it for myself. That’s just not how this marriage thing is supposed to work.
It’s not comfortable to admit, but I can be a selfish person sometimes. This selfishness shows itself more when I’m in a funk, like I have been lately. When this happens, I’m used to just being able to curl up inside myself and just do what I like, think what I like, and feel what I like. I know that this kind of behavior has no place in a healthy marriage.
I know that I have no choice but to kick this to the curb. Put on my big girl panties and just suck it up and do what I need to do, lest my marriage suffer the consequences. And since neither one of us has the energy to deal with a marital crisis on top of everything else, looks like I need to do this sooner rather than later.
Filed under: brain dump, CBG, depression, figuring stuff out, Getting it off my chest, living and learning, marriage, me stuff | Tagged: depression, life, marriage, marriage problems, Seasonal Affective Disorder |