I wrote last week about how I’ve been struggling this last little while with the whole changing of the seasons, decreased daylight, and all that. It happens every year, so it should be expected, but every year there’s always that hope that maybe this year things will be different.
Last week it felt like everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I was completely drained — mentally, physically and emotionally. I’ll be honest, it kind of scared me. I haven’t felt that rotten in a long time and anyone who has gone through a major depression knows that even after you’ve recovered, you’re always kind of looking over your shoulder, paranoid that it’s going to happen again.
I worried about that last week.
To make matters worse, I’ve known for a while now that CBG hasn’t been feeling himself. I tried talking to him about it weeks ago and he basically gave me the brush-off, telling me that everything was fine. I let it go because, well, I wanted it to be true. Because that’s all we want, isn’t it? For our spouses to be fine, even though our gut instinct might be telling us otherwise.
So I ignored my gut. Like an optimistic dummy.
Things sort of came to head at the end of last week. Everything had started sliding downhill rather quickly. I was feeling steadily worse, physically. And things with CBG were reaching a point where I no longer felt comfortable ignoring them. I began poking at him and that’s when it all spilled out onto the floor. He IS struggling. Things aren’t the greatest for him right now. He finally opened up and started sharing with me.
And so, here we are. Heading into my worst season, where I traditionally struggle with my mood and energy levels until March or so, and my husband is struggling with issues of his own. Normally we experience a back-and-forth; he’s been there to support me during the winter when I’m feeling rotten, and I’ve supported him when he’s had issues to deal with before as well.
It’s just never happened at the same time before.
And I’ll be honest: It’s kind of scary for me. I’m worried about the possible effect this may have on our marriage. I worry about the effect that this may have on each of us as individuals. It’s hard to provide extra love and support to your partner when you need your energy stores for yourself. But yet, at the same time, turning inward and only thinking about oneself is a surefire way to make things worse.
It’s a marital perfect storm, with the potential to create a lot of damage. I’m optimistic, of course, that nothing irreversible will happen, but I’ve admitted before to having a rotten tendency of sticking my head in the sand when things get uncomfortable sometimes. So there’s always that to consider, too.
Lots on my mind these days, folks. You may just be hearing from me a little more often than usual lately, as we work through all of this.
Send positive thoughts our way, okay? We need ’em.
Filed under: brain dump, CBG, depression, figuring stuff out, Getting it off my chest, happiness, living and learning, marriage, Uncategorized | Tagged: depression, life, love, marriage, relationships |