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Marriage: The Reality

CBG and I fancy ourselves good communicators. The truth of the matter is that while yes, we do a lot of communicating about many things, there are still plenty of instances where we actually kind of suck in the communication department. We both have a tendency to stick our heads in the sand when it comes to certain topics, which then do not get discussed.

We’re also a pretty low-conflict couple — for the most part. I’m not going to say that we never experience conflict because that would be an outright lie. Sure, we have arguments and misunderstandings from time to time. Using my own previous relationships as a barometer, I would say that our level of conflict is lower than average.

Which is good, right? Except that it isn’t. Because here’s the truth. We use our head-in-the-sand technique to avoid conflict in a lot of situations. If we don’t ever talk about it, then we don’t have to have an argument, right?

Wrong. This is a perfect recipe for anger and resentment to brew. And I’ll be honest, there’s been some resentment brewing in our house for a little while now. Nothing major, certainly nothing marriage-ending, but definitely enough to be a problem. A problem that should likely be discussed. Except…we’re not talking about it.

Fall and winter are tough months for me. I have issues with Seasonal Affective Disorder. So that means that starting early November-ish, there is a marked drop in my energy and enthusiasm levels. Now that we’re into our third week of November, I am exhausted, irritable, headachey, and over-sensitive. I am entering my season of, “just trying to make it through the week”. I have a SAD lamp that I use every morning that helps a bit. I am still running every morning — for the time being. I am taking vitamins and have done some research on some others that I should start taking.

These things will all help, marginally, but basically, life will be a struggle until about March, which is when I start feeling like myself again. This is my yearly pattern. Some years are better/worse than others.

I bring this up because I know that this adds to our problems with communication and conflict. I am irritable and over-sensitive a lot these days, making it difficult to avoid conflict. A lot of days I’m either ready to pounce, or I just don’t want to be spoken to. Dealing with SAD adds a whole other layer of difficulty to an already uncomfortable situation.

And it sucks.

But I guess that’s what marriage is all about, isn’t it? Recognizing that sometimes things suck and sometimes the person you’re married to kinda sucks. Sometimes you feel resentful toward them. Sometimes you say hurtful things and fail to apologize. Sometimes you just don’t particularly want to be around them. But still, through it all, you love them.  In marriage there’s this whole thing about “for better or for worse”. It’s easy to love someone and be there for them when they’re easy to love and everything is going great. The true test of a marriage, commitment and love is when things aren’t quite so easy. That’s what separates the good marriages from the not-so-good ones.

I know our marriage is one of the good ones. I know that we will get through this, like we get through everything that life seems to throw our way. At this point, however, I’m not even sure where to begin. And wow…that really stinks.

4 Responses

  1. I’ve been there. Every year. I can only imagine what it’s like to live with me from November to March. Adding to the stress this year is that my husband was very depressed from May until October, so one of us has been out of commission for months.

    It is hard. Things do get said. All I can tell you is that it does get better. Be gentle with yourself, and with him. Try not to go to bed mad (it’s cliched but it’s true). And good luck. I’m rooting for you.

  2. […] wrote last week about how I’ve been struggling this last little while with the whole changing of the seasons, decreased daylight, and all that. It happens every […]

  3. […] past few days. About myself and my winter funk. About CBG and what he’s going through.  About marriage – both in general, and ours, […]

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