I know it may be tough for some of you to believe, but I’m not the easiest person to be married to.
I can be bossy. And moody. And hormonal. My temper is sometimes quick. I have an ugly tendency to bottle things up until they come spilling out in unexpected (and sometimes unfair) ways. I leave my stinky running clothes on the bathroom floor. I squeeze the toothpaste in the middle — sometimes, just to be passive-aggressive. I can be high maintenance when it comes to the smallest, most ridiculous things.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s also a fair amount of awesome-ness built into this little red-headed package, too. I’m not a monster, after all. But despite those many awesome qualities I know that I am not always easy to love. This isn’t a “poor me” post, for the record, it’s just me being straight up honest about who I am. And I am many, many things, but stupid I am not.
So there’s that. Sunshine = both awesome and difficult at the same time. Some days way more difficult than awesome, but overall I’m fairly confident that the scales tip more in the positive direction than the negative. Depending on what day you ask my husband, I suppose. heh.
Part of what contributes to my “difficult to love” status is my baggage. I already mentioned all the mental and emotional baggage (and the stinky-running-clothes-on-the-bathroom-floor baggage), but I’m also referring to that pesky baggage from my past.
No, not that ugly backpack I bought in university that I just can’t seem to part with. Mostly, I’m talking about my ex husband.
Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun.
I haven’t been writing about him much lately purely for privacy reasons but let’s just say that while things haven’t been horrific, they haven’t been ideal, either. And well, as is expected, the situation with my ex causes stress — for me and for my girls. And of course it also causes stress for CBG, since he’s the one who has to deal with all the fall-out on our end of these less than ideal situations.
For the record, I have a pretty good idea why second marriages fail. They’ve simply got a whole lot of extra baggage going on there, what with step kids and ex-spouses. I mean, let’s face it, as awesome as CBG and I are, and as awesome as we are together, we are far from perfect. We’ve got our own pile of garbage to sift through, we don’t need any extra pieces of trash blowing around from my relationship with my ex.
And yet…we have them. It’s inevitable, really. I mean, exes are exes for a reason and the reasons you break up with someone aren’t going to magically disappear because you’ve signed a piece of paper saying you don’t want to be married to them anymore. It just doesn’t work like that. It’s been my experience that many of those old problems just keep hanging around, and in some cases can even be worse — after all, we have less motivation to at least be nice to one another now than we did when we had to live together under the same roof.
I do my best to keep my relationship with my ex husband where it belongs — on the outskirts of my current life — but there are times when it’s impossible to do that. Particularly when you consider the fact that we share 50/50 custody of our girls, and collaborate on a lot of parenting issues as they arise. And well, when I’m experiencing conflict with my ex I know that it puts a damper on things with CBG, despite how hard we try to not allow that to happen. Because as we’ve previously covered, I’m not perfect. And when I’m bitchy because of my ex husband, sometimes that gets taken out on the one person who least deserves my bitchiness — CBG. Try as I might to prevent that from happening.
Now, it’s not like I’m a raging bitch or anything (at least not most days), but I can only imagine how it must feel to be CBG, having to talk me down off the emotional ledge following a run-in with my ex husband, only to then have some of my residual bitchiness be taken out on him. I hear his frustration when we have to clean up parenting messes with my girls because of something that their father said or did. I know that none of these things can be easy for him. And yet still, he does them. And continues to love both me and my girls through it all.
And for putting him through these things, I know that I owe him a big fat apology. Because yes, I may be awesome, but just think of how much more awesome I would be if I didn’t have an ex husband to deal with. And frankly, CBG deserves the most awesome wife that I can be.
So from the bottom of my heart, CBG, I am sorry. Sorry for all the times you’ve had to put up with my frustration and anger and bad moods. I’m sorry for the stress that my relationship with my ex husband causes you. I’m sorry for the disruption that this sometimes causes to your life.
And most of all, I’m sorry that I’m not always as awesome as I should be. But I’m working on it, I promise.