Every now and again the death of a celebrity really gets to me. Robin Williams is one of them. It was a shock when I read last night that he had passed; I was even more shocked when I saw that the cause of death appears to be suicide.
The first thing I thought about was the fact that not that long ago, I too, struggled with depression. To the point where I began entertaining thoughts that maybe the world would be better off without me. I’d like to say that this was long before I ever had children, that was I young and foolish, and didn’t have anything to live for.
Except that it wasn’t.
My daughters were 3 and 5 years old. They very much needed me in their lives, but my thinking was far too clouded by Depression to realize this. Life was hard — so hard. And I was exhausted. I felt like I didn’t have any fight left in me. It was becoming increasingly clear to me (in my depression-muddled brain) that there was no one I could count on for help.
And that’s when the thoughts began. Thoughts that they would be so much better off without them in their lives. That I was only doing more harm than good. That there was nothing left in life worth fighting for. That no one wanted me around anyhow.
Depression is a liar. A very convincing one.
Filed under: Uncategorized |