I woke up this past Sunday morning feeling a bit of inner turmoil and less settled than usual. Saturday night was filled with unpleasant dreams. Not nightmares, exactly, but dreams of struggle and conflict with others. I woke up feeling like I’d been arguing with people all night…and I suppose in a way, I was.
I got ready and headed out on my run. It was just a short one this time, not really long enough to clear my head and give me enough time to process everything I was thinking and feeling, but it gave me a bit of a start. The one thing that was overwhelming in my mind was choices.
I thought about how our past choices shape our current life. Choices that may have seemed to be the right ones at the time they were being made, but that affect our future in ways that usually we aren’t able to envision at the time. Any particular choice we make today could potentially trap us or even harm us later down the road. The scary part is that we don’t even know it at the time. A seemingly small, unimportant choice could create a ripple effect that changes the entire course of our lives.
It’s kind of scary when you stop to think about it.
Scary enough, in fact, to want to not make any choices at all. But the thing is, if we don’t make choices for ourselves, then inevitably they end up getting made for us, in one way or another. And isn’t it better to at least feel like we have some sort of control over our own lives, even if it’s just an illusion?
I’ll be honest. I have made some choices in my life that I regret. I’m not sure if I would change any of them, even if I had the magical ability to; after all, my choices have led me to where I am today. With two beautiful daughters, a gaggle of awesome stepkids and the love of my life by my side. I certainly wouldn’t want to put any of that at risk.
But if I could change some things without adversely affecting where I am right now? You can bet your ass I would. In a heartbeat.