There is a certain ebb and flow in a marriage that you can only fully understand if you’ve ever been married. When you’ve committed to sticking with the same person, it is only inevitable that there will be times that you find yourself not really liking that person as much as you did on the day you said “I do”. Maybe it’s for some good reasons, or maybe it’s for no reason at all. But whatever the reason for it, there are just periods in a marriage when a subtle shift occurs between you and your partner, and you find yourself not really quite as in love as you are at other times.
It’s not that you don’t love that person anymore; you still love them, but you’re not feeling quite as “in love” as you sometimes do. Maybe life is getting in the way and romancing your spouse isn’t quite at the top of your list of priorities. Maybe you’re dealing with some of your own “stuff” that’s preventing you from showing your spouse the love you normally do. Maybe you’re hormonal. Or just tired.
The list of reasons is endless.
It can be difficult to keep this in perspective sometimes, when you’re right in the middle of it, particularly if you struggle with any number of issues surrounding relationships and marriage (which I definitely do). Every time things feel uncomfortable, unpleasant, or even “different”, I have a horrible tendency to whip out my trusty old magnifying glass and examine the hell out of it, turning it every which way, staring at every single angle.
Overthink much? Why, yes, I do. Thanks for noticing.
The truth of the matter (without going into a lot of detail) is that CBG is dealing with some of his own stuff right now, as we all do from time to time. The biggest problem with this at the moment is that HIS issues are triggering MY issues. I’m getting poked square in some of my most insecure places and I’m having knee-jerk, gut reactions to having those parts of me punched. And wouldn’t you know it, MY insecurities are triggering HIS issues right back. It’s an ugly cycle that has the potential to spiral downwards into something even more ugly. Especially when we both still have those times when we seem to forget that we’re on the same team.
But this is what marriage is about, isn’t it? It’s about promising to stay with someone through the bullshit as well as the magic. The important part for me is to not lose sight of the love that we have between us. No matter what garbage we happen to be wading through, CBG and I share a love that is deeper and stronger than I have ever experienced. Imperfections and all. And it is that love that will keep us working through our stuff, resulting in an even better, stronger love.