I wrote earlier this week about how I suck at having compassion for others, and how I know that this is something that I truly need to work on. Y’know, that whole me tending to be a judgmental bitch and all that. Particularly when it comes to people I don’t like so much. Ugh.
I was thinking yesterday about how these things are kind of connected. Because that whole, “I suck at having compassion” thing? Well…that applies to how I treat MYSELF, not just my attitude toward others.
Sure, I’m judgmental of other people, but I’m even more judgmental of myself. I wrote this week about how my lack of compassion for other people tends to get in the way of me sometimes having productive, healthy relationships with people…especially those that my relationship with isn’t by my own choice.
Well, damned if all that doesn’t apply to my relationship with myself — someone else that I am forced to have a relationship with, like it or not. I judge myself so harshly for my own screwed-up-ness. And as anyone who struggles with depression can tell you — that’s pretty much the worst damn thing you can do.
I’m not sure why, but it seems that I’ve always held myself to harsher expectations than everyone else. And since we’ve established that I tend to be judgmental toward others, well, you can only imagine the things I say to myself.
I really am an asshole. heh.
So as I remind myself to practice compassion when it comes to other people in my life, I also really need to work on showing myself compassion, too. Compassion when I have a rotten day. Compassion when I don’t live up to my own expectations. Compassion when I am, inevitably, a bit of an asshole.
Still learning. Still getting better.