The last major depressive episode I had was pretty shitty. It began when my ex husband and I were still together, and bled into the time when I first met and fell in love with CBG. I worked goddamn hard to pull myself up out of that deep, dank pit.
One of the things that made me fall in love with CBG to begin with was that he was able to look past that sadness and love the real me — the woman underneath all of that muck.
The thing about having gone through something like is that it leaves you with a fear that it is going to eventually return. Even now, after all of these years, every time I have a shitty day, or even a shitty week. there’s a little voice in the back of my head whispering, “Here we go again.”
The truth is that, for me at least, real depression is a lot more stealthy than that. It seeps in through the cracks and washes over me when I least expect it, pulling me down before I really see what’s going on and where the hell it came from.
It’s true that over the last five years I’ve experienced emotional ups and downs. I’ve had plenty of downs. I’ve been sad. Bitchy. Angry. Anxious. The thing about these downs are that, for the most part, they are fleeting. I have a bad day or two, or even a bad week, and then I collect myself and move on, back toward the good stuff.
But every time I have a bad day, there’s that voice, telling me that maybe I don’t deserve to be happy after all.
And that, my friends, is bullshit. I know this to be absolutely, one hundred percent, completely and totally, un-freaking-true. I absolutely don’t deserve less than any other human being on this planet.
I’m also not sliding into the Pit of Despair every time I have a shitty thought, feel irrational or afraid or anxious or angry or act like a bitch to my husband. I need to stop hitting the panic button on that every.single.time. Because here’s the thing. Maybe I will experience depression like I did five years ago, and maybe I won’t. But I absolutely can not continue to live in fear of it happening. To do that means I’m constantly giving my power away to an ugly monster that absolutely doesn’t deserve it.
More than anything else, I’m tired of living in fear.
Ups and downs are a part of life, particularly part of my life, and what I need to do is learn to be comfortable with my regular range of emotions, without being afraid of them or allowing them to control me.
Hills and valleys. It’s what the human experience is all about.
So yeah. That shitty mood I blogged about yesterday? Totally a “panic-button” moment. Suck it, Depression. Not today.