Some Days…


Some days the negativity still finds a way to creep in. A thick black smoke that makes its way in through the obvious cracks.

Some days I still want to stay holed up in bed, away from the rest of the world, hiding.

Some days I know that I’m not capable of making a good decision. And yet that’s when I most want to make them — hateful, permanent, damaging decisions.

Some days I’m not able to do the things I know I need to do to feel better — about myself, my life, and the people in it. Self-help requires a certain amount of caring. And some days, even that can’t be mustered.

Some days the best I can do is just make it through.

Some days I dream about running away and leaving everything behind me.

Some days I think a little too long about the “what ifs” of my life, and look too closely at the directions that I could have gone. The ‘what-ifs’ fill my head, taunting me.

Some days turn into weeks like this, where, instead of fighting against it, I just allow it to consume me, pull me down and drown me.

And I hate myself for all of it.

9 Responses

  1. It makes my heart hurt to see these waves of darkness wash over you time and time again. I see you swim like hell for the surface where there’s sunshine and joy and you stay there for a while bobbing around, inhaling all the awesomeness of life and then that horrible monster grabs hold of you once more, pulling you under.

    Have you tried journaling your mood patterns on a calendar? There seems to be a cyclical nature to them but I’m not sure what the frequency is. How in tune are you with your mental health vs your physical health on a monthly basis. I have discovered that I can almost predict when my anxiety, dark thoughts, etc will intrude based on my calendar and it isn’t always specifically around PMS dates. There’s definitely a hormonal aspect at play for me and I’m wondering if it might be for you as well. Maybe go back over your blog entries and see if plotting them on a calendar brings out any patterns?

    I hope you see that sunshine again soon. Huge hugs.

    • Thanks, Tammi, I really appreciate your friendship and support. I’m sure that there is a hormonal aspect at play (my doctor has mentioned the “pre-M” word to me in recent months). I know that winter is always bad for me as well…this year has been better thanks to my S.A.D. therapy lamp and I think that I started getting complacent with taking care of my mental and emotional health. I’m definitely not the best when it comes to self-care, that’s for sure.

      The good news is that I do know that this is just a bump in the road and that I’ll pull myself up my bootstraps and get on the right path again…I just need to make sure that I don’t leave a path of destruction in my wake as I get there. ๐Ÿ˜‰


  2. We all have those days. Here’s hoping the clouds clear and the sun shines again soon ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way. Know that I have been there too, though, and you are not alone.


  4. […] yeah. That shitty mood I blogged about yesterday? Totally a “panic-button” moment. Suck it, Depression. Not […]

  5. […] week I also wrote about having a pretty crap day or so. And then I wrote about depression, and my battle with […]

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