Ugliness

Sometimes the force of my own negative thoughts surprises me.

It shouldn’t, considering the fact that I’ve been weighed down by my own negativity pretty much my whole life. I do my best to fight it, to push back against it. And I am often successful, particularly in the last few years. But sometimes (and particularly lately) I find myself filled with ugly thoughts. Ugly thoughts that could lead me to bad places, if I followed them down their dark path.

I’ll be honest — it scares me.

I’m not so sure how to deal with this ugliness. My method of entertaining those ugly thoughts to the point of lashing out and then stuffing them deep down inside me isn’t really working. Some day they’re all going to come spilling out. I’ll likely hurt some people in the process. Maybe even those closest to me. And of course, myself, most of all.

What’s at the heart of these ugly thoughts?

Fear.

Anger.

Unworthiness.

Guilt.

Fear.

Shame.

Sadness.

Inability to speak.

Victim tendencies.

Shaky self-esteem.

Fear (did I mention that one already?).

Mistrust.

Insecurity.

Self-doubt.

I’m sure there’s other dark, ugly stuff down in there, too, that I just haven’t found yet. And THAT scares me, too.

I’m doing my best not to close down and curl up inside myself. To be gentle with myself and try to rationalize that everyone has ugliness inside of them of some kind or another, and I’m no different. I try to remind myself that having a thought isn’t the same as acting on it.

I can rationalize these things all day long, but I still struggle with them in my heart.

I’m just not sure how to make peace with any of this.

6 Responses

  1. Ugly thoughts are crippling, especially when they include fear and self doubt. Try to pull yourself out of it, as you are here, and examine WHY you are feeling this and how you can turn it around. that’s what I try to do anytime I start meandering down a negative rathole, otherwise, it just gets worse and worse. XO

    • Thanks, Jolene. 🙂

      I wrote this post last week when I was feeling particularly rotten. I almost didn’t post it, as the thoughts did eventually pass, but I realized that it was important to put it out there. I’ve been feeling better since then (maybe just the act of writing it all down helped). But I am sure that the thoughts will eventually return again, as they often do….

  2. ME TOOOOO! I really think meditating daily helps with this. Pema Chodron says to label any thoughts as “Thinking”. Because let me tell you, the way I’ve been lately has been the result of ugly UGLY mean thoughts. It honestly hurts me more than anyone else. And I’m trying to remember to never wish on anyone else something I wouldn’t want wished on me. Also, that I need to wish better stuff for me and everyone else too.

    So when the noise starts, I can maybe step aside and just say, “There I am thinking again…”

    It works when I can do it. Sometimes, however, I just can’t convince myself that the thoughts aren’t true.

    ((hugs))

    You aren’t alone.

    • Well, meditation is definitely on my list to tackle for 2014, so hopefully it will help as you suggest. 🙂 It’s tough admitting that I even have these ugly thoughts, but I guess I’m not alone in that…it’s just part of being human. Doesn’t make it any easier when they’re happening, though!

      Thanks for the love and support, as always. xo

  3. I have those thoughts at times, more now than over the last 2 years. Being in a relationship brings out MANY things. I’m glad you are past that, and feeling better. I think for me, writing/journalling does wonders. I’m learning new things everyday. (((hugs)))

    • Thanks, friend. Writing it out definitely helps, you’re right.

      I agree that being in a relationship brings out many things. I guess that’s the whole point of being in a relationship, isn’t it? To learn and grow. Part of that is facing the darkest, ugliest parts of ourselves…to figure out how to keep them in check, to learn from them, and to do better next time…

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