This past week I found myself wondering for the first time in the almost five years that I’ve had this particular blog if maybe it was time to pull the plug for good.
Initially when I started writing this blog, I didn’t really consider the issue of privacy. I started out basically anonymous, but then loosened up with this as time went on. Of course, finding out that my ex husband, his mother, and an entire community of former friends were all reading kind of gave me something to think about, but I decided to press onwards.
I decided to continue writing, even knowing that there were people reading that I didn’t really WANT to have reading. People that I didn’t want to share my life with. But that’s the problem with being a blogger…you put it out there, without being able to control who has access to this information.
As time has gone on, another thing about this blog has changed. The things I write are a whole lot less personal, for the most part. Sure, I share thoughts about how I’ve changed and grown as a person, my observations on my relationship and where my life is headed, but there are still many things that I keep private…because there are things that not everyone needs to know.
Another thing about being a blogger, I’ve realized, is that there are some people who believe that what we choose to share on our blogs is The Whole Story. That if you put everything together that you’ve read here, that this makes up everything you need to know about me as a person and what’s happening in my life. Trust me, nothing could be farther from the truth. There are plenty of things that I never write about, or that I only write about from a certain perspective, or whatever. There are entire parts of my life that never get a mention on this blog.
Another difficulty with blogging is that because all of this is put out there, people sometimes feel as though this gives them “a right” to make judgments on me, my life, and my choices. I suppose we all make judgments every day. And I suppose that because I choose to put myself out there, I leave myself open to that, to a certain extent.
I’ve always had a problem with the whole “what will people think?” question. Over the years I have learned that people will choose to think what they want to think, despite the evidence that might be in front of them. It’s still a lesson that I need to continue learning, obviously.
My ultimate conclusion that I came to this week is — screw it. Screw the people who will read my words and choose to make assumptions about me based on it. Screw the people with harmful and negative intentions. Screw the people who will read this blog and roll their eyes, and/or will use what I’ve written to get a deeper glimpse into my life. Because, you know, it’s all so utterly fascinating, right?
Because here’s the thing: I’m just not that interesting. I know this, and I’m okay with that. I write to get a better hold on my own thoughts and feelings and work through issues that I’m dealing with. I write to connect with other people. I write because I’ve had many people tell me over the years that they can relate to what I’ve written about, or that it has helped them in some way. Those are the reasons that I blog, and for now, those reasons are bigger than the Negative Nellies that are bringing me down and making me feel like I’m under a bit of a microscope. Maybe this won’t always be the case, I don’t know…but for now…it is.
And at this point, I’ll take it. Maybe some day I will choose to let the blog go — I will shut er down and go on my merry way. But when I do, it will be because it’s MY decision and what I want — not because I felt forced to because of who might be looking over my shoulder. I’ve worked too damn hard to do that now.