Fighting Urges

For a long time I was one of those women who was perfectly content with labeling myself as “stupid” when it came to certain things. I happily allowed myself to believe that I was helpless when it came to these things, and passed them off to my ex husband to take care of.

This is why it took me so long to learn the art of making the perfect pancake and even preparing gorgeous sunny side up eggs. It’s why I always struggled with big decisions, and why I never did things around the house like hang shelves or put up pictures.

Believing something negative about yourself makes it true.

I believed that I was helpless…and so I was. I believed that I needed someone to help me with certain things, and so I did.

When I ended up a single mom I was initially terrified. There was so much that I just couldn’t do. And even though I was in a relationship with CBG, since he was 3 hours away and only physically available to me 4 or 5 days of the month, this meant that I was left with little choice but to learn how to do for myself.

I conquered pancake making. I am an expert sunny-side-up egg preparer. I can hang a shelf, assemble small furniture, and figure out how to use the remote control. What’s even more important is that I learned to love doing things for myself. I enjoy being a strong, independent woman. A woman who could survive the zombie apocalypse, know what I’m sayin’?

This past weekend I was having some issues setting up my hand-me-down iPod that I’d gotten from CBG. I was getting angry and frustrated with it. I was sitting on the couch beside CBG, puffing and blowing and sighing and getting rather annoyed at the whole thing.

He offered to help, naturally, because that’s what people do, isn’t it?

Let’s just say that his offer of help resulted in him being swatted away.

To be 100% honest, there’s a part of me that’s terrified of becoming that person again. I’m worried that like many self-destructive tendencies I have, that given the chance, I will slip this particular one on like an old familiar sweater. And that helpless person I was a decade ago? Hell…not even a decade ago, try FIVE YEARS AGO, is a person that I do not like. I don’t want to be that person again….ever. And any sign that she might be returning scares me.

After grumping at CBG I curled up into myself and thought a lot about what had happened, and why. Later, when we talked it out, he reminded me how far I’ve come in the time that he’s known me. Far enough, in fact, that I will never go back to that weak, frightened person I once was. He reminded me that accepting help from someone isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s simply accepting help with something that might not be your personal area of strength. Just one of the many reasons why I love my husband so very much – he’s often able to see me clearly even when I might not be able to.

Oh…and that iPod? I’m happy to report that I figured it all out on my own.


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