Choosing Strength

strength2I used to believe that I was a weak person.

And I suppose, in a lot of ways, I was. When I was married to my ex husband, I depended on him for many things. He was my constant emotional support. He was the person who propped me up whenever I’d had a bad day.  I would routinely allow myself to fall apart emotionally; it was a luxury that I had, because I always had someone there who was more than happy to clean me up, prop me up, and send me back on my way. It filled a need for both of us. It allowed me to not have to take responsibility for dealing with my emotions, and it gave him a sense of purpose and importance. In that way, we worked together perfectly, if you ignore the fact that this relationship was completely and utterly unhealthy.

When my ex and I split, I was forced to learn how to rely on my own strength. I tried falling apart when I had no one to help me, and let me tell you, that’s some scary shit. I learned pretty quickly that this was no longer an option available to me.

And so I learned how to dig deep and access the strong parts inside of me.

Over time, this strength got tested again and again. I went through some pretty difficult crap. Splitting from my husband. Moving out onto my own with basically nothing, as a single mother, rebuilding my life completely from scratch. Losing friends — in some cases, pretty traumatically. I battled depression and won. I endured a long distance relationship for four years. Every single one of these things forced me to dig down, and get in touch with the strongest places inside of me.

And because I had no choice in the matter, that’s exactly what I did.  Funny how when certain options are removed from us, when we get tested, we find out what we’re really made of.

I learned something very important. I am a strong person. I’d just never had a reason to be strong before. But as soon as I did, I jumped on the opportunity and ran with it.

So it would seem that life has thrown CBG and I bit of a curveball.  A curveball that came out of the blue (isn’t that what all curveballs do?) and totally took us off guard. It’s one of those situations where I get to choose — do I choose to fall apart, or do I choose to pull up my big girl panties and rely on that inner strength that I know that I have?

Of course I’m choosing strength. Because once you know that you’ve got it, not choosing it is no longer an option. What I know for sure is this: I’ve been forced to endure some pretty difficult things in my life, especially in the last few years. And I’ve not only survived them, I’ve grown to be a better and stronger person because of them. And so what CBG and I are facing right now, really, pales in comparison. Because despite what we’re going through — we have each other. We have each other and we have a good, healthy, strong relationship.

I truly believe that together, we can overcome any obstacle that life throws in our way.

We’ve got this.

strength1

One Response

  1. And if you do fall apart, be gentle with yourself and each other. It’s okay to lean in to each other but knowing, all along, that you DO have strength and you WILL overcome. Love you both.

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