And I suppose, in a lot of ways, I was. When I was married to my ex husband, I depended on him for many things. He was my constant emotional support. He was the person who propped me up whenever I’d had a bad day. I would routinely allow myself to fall apart emotionally; it was a luxury that I had, because I always had someone there who was more than happy to clean me up, prop me up, and send me back on my way. It filled a need for both of us. It allowed me to not have to take responsibility for dealing with my emotions, and it gave him a sense of purpose and importance. In that way, we worked together perfectly, if you ignore the fact that this relationship was completely and utterly unhealthy.
When my ex and I split, I was forced to learn how to rely on my own strength. I tried falling apart when I had no one to help me, and let me tell you, that’s some scary shit. I learned pretty quickly that this was no longer an option available to me.
And so I learned how to dig deep and access the strong parts inside of me.
Over time, this strength got tested again and again. I went through some pretty difficult crap. Splitting from my husband. Moving out onto my own with basically nothing, as a single mother, rebuilding my life completely from scratch. Losing friends — in some cases, pretty traumatically. I battled depression and won. I endured a long distance relationship for four years. Every single one of these things forced me to dig down, and get in touch with the strongest places inside of me.
And because I had no choice in the matter, that’s exactly what I did. Funny how when certain options are removed from us, when we get tested, we find out what we’re really made of.
I learned something very important. I am a strong person. I’d just never had a reason to be strong before. But as soon as I did, I jumped on the opportunity and ran with it.
So it would seem that life has thrown CBG and I bit of a curveball. A curveball that came out of the blue (isn’t that what all curveballs do?) and totally took us off guard. It’s one of those situations where I get to choose — do I choose to fall apart, or do I choose to pull up my big girl panties and rely on that inner strength that I know that I have?
Of course I’m choosing strength. Because once you know that you’ve got it, not choosing it is no longer an option. What I know for sure is this: I’ve been forced to endure some pretty difficult things in my life, especially in the last few years. And I’ve not only survived them, I’ve grown to be a better and stronger person because of them. And so what CBG and I are facing right now, really, pales in comparison. Because despite what we’re going through — we have each other. We have each other and we have a good, healthy, strong relationship.
I truly believe that together, we can overcome any obstacle that life throws in our way.
We’ve got this.