The One Where I Stop For a Minute and Take a Look Back

I’ve been quiet lately, I know. Not for any real reason, other than life is good right now and I’m just taking the time to enjoy it. That’s the thing about blogging, I guess….there’s a whole lot less to say when life is full of love, laughter and happiness.

This weekend marks an important anniversary of sorts for me. Without going into a lot of details, five years ago I suffered an anxiety attack that ended with me in the hospital. Life seemed pretty bleak and terrifying for me that night, for a number of reasons. It ended up being one of those life-changing experiences, as it was the beginning of having my eyes opened to many things in my life.

And then…approximately six weeks later I would meet CBG, while I was still very much in my broken and bruised state. Thank God he was able to see beyond that to the person that I was underneath all of that. Hell….he believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. 

Sometimes I wish I could back in time to that Sunshine of five years ago. I wouldn’t take away anything that she was going through, because there were lessons there that needed to be learned….and some of them, honestly, needed to be learned the hard way. No, I would simply take a minute to comfort that Sunshine…to let her know that yes, things are tough right now, and that they will be tough for a while longer…but that ultimately, live would be better than that particular version of myself than I could have ever imagined at the time.

Sometimes it’s tough to see past pain and hardship when we’re in the middle of it. And five years ago? Well, that’s where I was. That’s the worst thing about those dark places…losing faith that everything will work out in the end. One thing that experience taught me is that there’s nothing that I can’t work my way through. I used to live in fear of reaching that point in my life again…the point where things felt so dark and terrifying that I couldn’t bear them anymore. I don’t have that same fear anymore. I’ve gone through pain and hardship and come out a stronger, better person on the other side of it. Deep in my heart, I know that there’s nothing I can’t do. And that’s a feeling that will always be down deep inside, no matter what else happens in life.

If I could say only one thing to that Sunshine of five  years ago, in the middle of her fear and sadness, I would look her deep in the eyes and tell her this: “It’s okay….everything is going to be better than you ever, ever imagined.”

3 Responses

  1. Xxoo

    Love you.

  2. This really touched home. Thank you for such an inspirational blog.

  3. xoxoxo I am so glad you are where you are today, vs. 5 years ago. and what an amazing thing, to have met CBG 6 weeks later. Destiny.

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