Somewhere between last night and this morning I’ve been hit with a definite case of pre-wedding jitters. It’s funny, I don’t remember this happening the first time I got married, though I suppose it likely did. Then again, the size of our wedding (less than 20 people total, all but a few close family), made it all much less of an issue.
I think part of it, too, is that CBG and I have put a lot of ourselves into this day. As I wrote about yesterday, we’re making a big effort to ensure that our wedding reflects us — the things and people that are most important to us, tradition be damned. While I often talk a good game about “to hell what other people think”, I still find myself falling into that all-too-familiar trap from time to time.
This whole experience is making feel…well…rather exposed. A wedding is a personal thing, after all, so it only makes sense.
I sent my wedding vows off to the officiant this morning, so she could include them in the final wedding document that she will be presenting us with on Sunday. As soon as I hit ‘send’, the butterflies hit. It’s one thing to say these things to CBG privately….it’s even fine writing them here, as we all know, it’s easy to “hide” behind our computer screens. It’s quite another to stand up in front of family and friends and say them out loud. I guess that’s at least part of what makes a wedding such a profound, important moment in one’s life. The vulnerability of a public declaration of some of our deepest feelings; the promises of committing to each other.
It’s a big deal.
Sometimes I wonder if the first time around, I didn’t really fully comprehend what a big deal it really is. Getting married just seemed like the next logical step in our relationship – the “thing to do”. Don’t get me wrong, at the time we got married I did love him. I just doubt that I fully understood everything that was involved in making that kind of commitment. I think that the “for worse” part of “for better or for worse” kinda went over my head a little bit.
I’d like to think that this time, we’ve got a pretty good idea of what the “for worse” part probably involves. We’ve faced some difficult things in the last four and a half years. And on Sunday, jitters or not, I will be standing in front of some of the people I care about the most, and declaring to everyone that I’m signing up for the long haul – no matter what that ultimately entails.
I guess being a little bit nervous about it all could probably be seen as a good thing.