Thoughts as the Wedding Day Approaches…

Well, kids, the wedding day is rapidly approaching. We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty, the last couple of weeks before the big day.

Most of the big details are taken care of. Now we’re looking at a few of the finer details. I’m at the point now where I’m worrying that something is going to get forgotten. Not the small details, because for the most part, I’m not stressing about those too much. No, my fears are all focused on the irrational “big picture” stuff. Like the nightmare I had on the weekend where CBG forgot about picking up the sound system until 5 minutes before the wedding was supposed to start, things like that.

I had a bit of a panic attack yesterday, to be honest. CBG and I were experiencing some conflict  disagreeing  having a huge blowout and I had one of those “OMG-what-are-we-doing-even-getting-married” kind of moments. 19 days before the wedding. Interesting what stress and anxiety can do to someone.

It’s funny that even now, after everything, there’s a part of me that questions my ability to make a marriage succeed. And of course that’s what I want, despite my whole, “So what if I get divorced” speech that I made just last week. After everything, I guess I still look at the ending of my marriage as a “failure”, even though I’m happier now than I ever could have been in that relationship. Logically I can look at it all and see that some necessary growth and change came out of that relationship, and that really, it wasn’t a failure, but a situation where two people needed to simply move on.

…And move on I have, to bigger and better things. To a relationship that fulfills me more, and brings me more happiness than I ever imagined. And yet, as I’ve mentioned before, it’s not perfect. We have our share of difficulties and struggles. All couples do. And yet, somewhere, in the deep recesses of my brain, there’s an old tape playing that tells me that it’s “supposed” to be perfect.

That tape started playing yesterday — loudly.

Today, now that things are a little clearer, I get to call bullshit on that. There is no way on earth that two flawed people can come together — with their hang ups, their imperfections, their baggage — and create a perfect relationship. It’s simply not possible. But what two flawed people can do is love one another, and vow to work through anything that life throws their way — together.

And that’s exactly what we’re doing here.

Yesterday was a bit of an eye-opener for me, because it showed me where some of my own weaknesses are. My own flaws and baggage got hauled out into the light, and I took a good, long look at them. It wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t comfortable. But no one said that life is supposed to be perfectly comfortable and wonderfully awesome all the time. After all, how are we going to grow and become better?

3 Responses

  1. I had this discussion with GJ not too long ago… (last week?).

    He’s convinced a relationship won’t last. Boy, doesn’t that make me feel good.

    Then he says, “Not OUR relationship, specifically. ANY relationship. After all, all of my previous relationships failed.”

    *sigh*

    Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we call them failures when they were nothing but experiences? And hey, I can’t argue with his logic when, deep in the darkness of my thoughts, I see my past as “failed” as well.

    Surely there’s a clearer way of looking at it, right? Is it society who tells us that “it’s supposed to last forever!” Or is it Disney?

    Who knows?! We all do our best, given who we are and how much we want to try. As long as we’re both trying, and you two are too, then we’re doing better than we ever did before.

    xxoo

  2. I got married in May and in the 2 weeks leading up to the wedding, we fought more than we have EVER fought. It’s so sad that such an amazing day causes so much stress and anxiety. But in the end, it all works out and nothing matters but the final result. Congrats on your upcoming wedding and marriage! 🙂

  3. Hugs, I agree the days leading up are so stressful.

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