No Turning Back

This past weekend CBG and I took my girls with us to his former city to spend the weekend with Ankle Biter in CBG’s very soon to be former home. Next weekend, CBG and I go back to pack up everything once and for all; bringing back home everything that we’re keeping, and getting rid of everything else that we don’t want.

CBG making the move here has been happening in tiny little increments for the past year. A year ago we were living in separate cities, and for me, it was without expectation that it was going to be changing anytime soon. And then, almost exactly one year ago, we went on a cruise, and CBG proposed. I happily said yes, believing that we would be one of those long-distance married couples, continuing to plug along as we had been.

And then, at dinner, right after the proposal, he told me the news. He was going to move….uproot his life to begin again with me.

Things moved slowly after that.  Job hunting took time. Once he landed a job here, he moved many of his personal items here, but left the major items back in his “old” city, in his “old” home, so that it could remain staged for showings, and hopefully a quick sale. The house took longer to sell than anticipated and so even though CBG was “officially” living here with me, owning the home back in his former city made it all a little less real. After all, having a home still fully furnished felt like there was a bit of an “out” there, even though we were never going to exercise it.

This weekend, looking around the house and making plans for what we were going to keep and what we were going to ditch, it really just suddenly all sank in. Getting rid of the rest of these items means that there’s no longer this safety net (imaginary or not). I had a moment on the weekend when I looked at CBG and felt the enormity of it all. The sacrifices that he has made for us to be together are not something that I’ve taken lightly, of course…but the finality of his house being sold and the remainder of his items either coming to home with us to being donated to charity made reality come crashing in.

There was a moment, a split second when the “old Sunshine” came slinking back. I threw my arms around CBG, hugged him hugely, and told him that I just really hoped that I was worth it all. That was the old Sunshine talking….the old Sunshine who never truly saw her own value. Who always held her breath, waiting for everyone else to “figure out” that she just really wasn’t worth it, either. CBG looked me in the eye and with every bit of love he has for me, told me that yes, I was absolutely worth it. Always.

The old Sunshine part of me still wanted to doubt. She likely would have continued to allow fear and doubt to rule the moment. But the new Sunshine? Well, the new Sunshine drank in that look of love, pulled CBG’s words into her heart, and knew it all to be true. She knew it to be true and she vowed to herself, right then and there, to make sure that she always was worth it — to be the woman that CBG fell in love with, the woman that she’s been capable of being all along.  The woman who would always, always be worth it.

And so we’re moving forward. Our new life together. And a whole new Sunshine.

No turning back.

2 Responses

  1. You are worth it.

  2. Sunshine is shining. And that makes me smile!

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