I Suck At Having Faith

I suck at having faithIt occurred to me today that although I try really hard to have faith in The Universe and all of the good things that it brings, I actually kind of suck at it when it comes right down to it.

I’ve been feeling a bit ‘stuck’ lately. Stuck in limbo with a lot of things. It’s just the way that life is right now, we’re waiting on certain things to fall into place before other things can proceed.  I know that this is nothing new, nothing special, nothing different…it’s just the way life goes. Sometimes, like now, it feels like things move a little bit more slowly than others. And really, that’s just how life goes. One step at a time, right?

Right. But I’ve been impatient. I’ve been in a hurry, wanting to rush things along, hurry past this time of waiting and just “being” so I can get to the next thing. I keep turning things over in my mind, trying to figure them out, trying to find a solution to this state of being stuck, rather than just having faith that everything will eventually work out.

It reminds me of the early days of my relationship with CBG. I spent so much emotional energy wishing time away, trying to find an answer to our long distant question, rather than just enjoying what we had. It wasn’t until I finally accepted our situation and committed myself to loving it despite the imperfections that a solution opened up and presented itself to us. A solution that wouldn’t have worked sooner than it did, but that suddenly just made sense to us.

Like the sky opened up and The Universe gave us a solution, gift wrapped and tied with a bow.

And that’s how faith works. Faith means that you just quiet your mind, lay your doubts to rest, enjoy the here and now, knowing that the right solution will come at just the right time. Of course we still need to do the necessary work and seize opportunities when they arise, but that’s the key — when they arise. My constant struggle is wanting to push things along, keep them moving. Because this patience and having faith thing? Its bullshit.

I know that this is a lesson that I need to learn. I have countless examples in recent years where The Universe has provided me with exactly what I asked for, just not necessarily on the time schedule that I wanted. I get so hung up — in this zone of not-having-faith — on the details of making what I want to happen, happen. It’s crazy making. My mind keeps working, constantly, as I turn everything over in my brain, over and over and over again, trying to make it work, trying to find a way. The trick is that there are always unknown factors at work, factors that none of us can even imagine at any given moment while we’re desperately searching for that solution that we want so badly. Our job is to simply have faith. Faith that it will all work out.

There’s only one catch – faith is bullshit. It’s the most difficult thing to practice when you s just want things to happen already, dammit! Having faith feels a little bit like sitting back and doing nothing, and when you’re impatient and restless and unsettled with life, that’s really the last thing that you want to do. Or at least — the last thing that *I* want to do.

And so here I sit. Knowing that I need to practice faith right now at the same time that I have absolutely no patience for it whatsoever. I totally hear you, Universe, I’m just sticking my fingers in my ears and singing “la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa” for the moment. I’m sure I’ll find my patience eventually, but in the meantime I’m calling bullshit on this faith thing.

Dear Faith — suck it, would ya?

3 Responses

  1. Um…. yep. TOTALLY hear you on this one, my friend. I’ll keep trying if you will.

    ((hugs))

  2. Faith is so hard because it is intangible and invisible and just floating out there to catch and hold on to. But it ALWAYS comes through when you let go of the control of wanting to BE in control, if that makes sense. hang in there.

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