Creeping Negativity

It just seems that I’m having one of those rotten days. Not that anything bad has happened, because it hasn’t. I’m just feeling….”off”. More than off, really. Feeling worn down. Unsure of myself. Feeling like I just want to hide from the world. And not just today, really. I think it started yesterday. I started pulling away from CBG, putting up protective walls, pushing him away ever so slightly. Used to be easy when we were three hours apart to cocoon; it’s quite a challenge now that we’re living together. But lucky me, I’ve got talents. Shitty, self-destructive talents, but talents nevertheless.

I’ve found myself today in a kind of self-hatred vortex where I found myself actively seeking out things that I knew would make me feel even worse. I’m not sure why I do that, really. Maybe it’s that destructive part of me that seems to revel in bad feelings. That negative part that always manages to hiss in my ear, “I knew you weren’t good enough.” and inevitably burst any bubble before it gets too big. It’s that part that keeps me grounded, keeps me from getting too happy, too confident.

I’m reminded of what I read about the pain-body, as described by Eckart Tolle. That we all have this part of us that thrives on pain. I found this advice on how to deal with the pain body:

Focus attention on the feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain body. Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it – don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge or analyze. Don’t make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of “the one who observes,” the silent watcher.

This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.

Or screw it.  It could just be PMS and what I really need is a glass of wine, some dark chocolate, yoga and a Midol. Who knows.

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