Getting a Grip

Wednesday morning I awoke at 4:30 am to get up for my morning run. I headed out the door and into the darkness at 5:00 am, a fairly long run planned ahead of me.

Running. Better than therapy and a whole  lot cheaper.

It was one of those runs when my body went on autopilot and I was able to let my mind wander free to mull things over. I found myself thinking a lot about my recent blog post where I wondered about being ‘good enough’, which I’d written the night before, that was still weighing heavily on my mind.

I thought a lot about this question of my own self-worth. I thought about CBG and the sacrifices that he’s making. I thought about my fears about screwing all of this up.

And then it happened. I ran so far and so hard that I ran straight into the truth. Head on.

I remembered that life involves risk. Nothing is guaranteed to any of us. CBG and I have already taken several leaps of faith when it came to our relationship. I need to shelve this fear I’ve been feeling about this next step because you know what? We’re no strangers to risk. And surprise, surprise, it’s always worked out before, now hasn’t it?

I realized that I owe it to us to live the shit out of this relationship no matter what. We have fought to make it this far. We have lived apart and loved each other through the challenges and struggles that we’ve faced. We’ve worked too freaking hard to allow fear to ruin it now….now that everything we’ve been dreaming about for almost four years is finally coming through.

I thought about how I owe it to myself. I deserve to be happy, dammit. Particularly after how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am in my life. Not just in terms of my relationship with CBG, but in all aspects of my life. I have honestly never been happier than I have been in the last few years. And I owe it to myself to keep maintaining that.

And you know what else? We owe it to The Universe. What we have doesn’t come along every day. What we have is one of the reasons why I chose to leave my marriage; because this is the kind of relationship I wanted to have. This is exactly how I wanted to feel, how I wanted to be loved by someone else, and the kind of person that I wanted to love in return. I sent a plea out to The Universe and it was answered. I need to respect that…and the way to do that is to make sure that I do us proud.

Fear be damned. There are some things way more important than fear…and if this isn’t one of them, then I don’t know what is.

4 Responses

  1. AMEN sista!! I completely agree with all of this, we all owe it to ourselves to make our lives work, to live up to the promise behind what we have in front of us. Isn’t it funny how these truths come out during runs?!

    • I swear…it’s like running lifts the mental fog that gets in the way of seeing the truth that’s been there all along. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without it….

  2. I knew you’d figure it out!!! Over-thinker, just like me! Embrace this milestone! Enjoy every minute of the transition! You are one fortunate lady! xoxo

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