So I’m going to ‘fess up and admit that I’m not in a very good frame of mind right now. I know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for — both things that I have right now, and things that are coming in the very near future.
The truth is that I’m having trouble seeing these things, because of other life “stuff” weighing me down and getting in the way. My ex and I have been having a lot of conflict lately, falling into some of our old marital patterns (blog post to follow on that later this week). Work is causing me more stress than usual. Because of a lot of expenses lately — both planned for as well as unexpected — my financial life for the next several months looks alarmingly grim.
And sure, moving into a lovely new home is great. But then there is the expense and hassle and stress of moving.
And it’s a dream come true to have CBG moving here to be with the girls and I. But I worry about us becoming a full-time blended family; I know that we will experience more than a few bumps along the way.
So a lot of things are building up for me right now. Right now I wish I could just curl up and hibernate for a few months; maybe if I could sleep until September…then when I wake up, these things could either be figured out or they’d be over with. I know that I need to take some time to come up with a plan; to figure out what I can do about these various things (if any). Decide what I can do (like manage my stress levels and my reactions to the things I’m experiencing) and what I can’t do (like change my ex or plant a money tree). Right now, however, all I’m capable of doing is taking a step back and just ignoring it all for a little while.
And so, I will cocoon. Seems like this is my defense mechanism when life gets too stressful. I curl up into myself and push the world away. I spent last night doing this; I feel more nights this happening the same way in the next little while. I need time — time to figure things out, time to make a plan, time to forget about the stress, even just a little bit. I cocoon so that I can focus on only those things that I want to focus on; I push the rest of the world away. I’m not sure if it’s the most effective method for dealing with things like this, but for now, it’s all I’ve got.
Perhaps one day I will outgrow this cocoon and find that I have metamorphosed into something better — smarter, stronger, more capable. But for now it’s just way too comfortable here.
* * * * *
So I wrote this post last night. And in the interest of honesty, I have to call bullshit on myself. This whole “I’m cocooning so I can figure out what I need to do next about life” is bullshit. Yeah, I’m cocooning. But instead of it being a positive, healthy thing where I’m just taking some time to heal my heart a little bit and fortify myself before I hit the ground running again, it’s much more negative than that. I’m curling up into myself, feeling rotten. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m counting my hurts. I’m re-living old hurts. I’m deep in self-loathing mode.I am mistrustful of people, mistrustful of The Universe, mistrustful of myself.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate admitting that I feel this way — because I know how ungrateful this makes me sound.
Just one more thing that I can add to the list of things I feel terrible about right now.