In the last six months, life has been very good. I remember blogging about how I was certain that 2012 held some great things on the horizon, without really knowing what these “great things” were.
Turns out I was right.
It’s been a whirlwind of a year so far. So many amazing things have happened. I’ve been gaining momentum in the arena of paid writing — a dream I’ve had since I was 10 or 11 years old. CBG and I got to go on another cruise, better than last year. He proposed, in the most romantic, perfect-for-me way. He made the decision to move to my city so that we can be together. This week, we got news that it’s looking very good for us to take possession of an apartment that has everything going for it that’s been on my list of “wants” for years now. A home. Our home. It’s still not 100% at this point, but it’s looking pretty damned good.
And yet, I find that I’m still holding my breath. I think about things like the fact that the bottom could fall out of these writings gigs I’ve picked up. They could decide that I’m not their bag after all and dump my talentless ass. Maybe CBG won’t be able to find a job and we’ll be left in limbo for the next year, waiting and waiting on a job that doesn’t arrive. Maybe the apartment will fall through at the last minute. Hell…who knows…perhaps the stress of us continuing to be apart will put too much strain on our relationship and things will all just fall apart between the two of us.
Yes, I realize how crazy it all sounds. Even as I write this post I know that all those thoughts about things going wrong is just the irrational side of my brain going crazy with every single negative ‘what if’ on the planet. But that’s what my brain does. It warns me against the dangers of letting my guard down; of being too happy, of getting too excited about where life appears to be heading…especially because we haven’t fully arrived there yet. There are no guarantees.
Though I have been blessed with many wonderful things in the past four years, life has been a struggle. There have been a lot of difficulties that I have made it through. There were times when I never would have believed that this is what life would look like for me in 2012. And I guess that part of me is still struggling to really and truly believe in all of the goodness that is finally, finally happening. It’s that old “waiting for the other shoe to drop” syndrome. What if I allow myself to bask in all of this joy and goodness only to have it ripped away from me?
I’ve been doing my best to simply sit back and appreciate every good thing that The Universe is handing to me, whether it ends up lasting or not…because the whole point is that it’s good now, right? But even as I do that, I realize that I’m still holding my breath.
I wonder when it will finally feel safe to exhale?
Filed under: CBG, Getting it off my chest, gratitude, happiness, overthinking, screwed-up-ness, the Universe Tagged: | canadian bald guy, happiness, life, long distance relationship, love, relationships, singlemom