On the days like this past Sunday when the fear sets up camp in my already overwhelmed brain, I need to remind myself of this moment that happened while CBG and I were on vacation:
While on our cave tubing adventure in Belize, I was presented with this amazing opportunity to jump off that gigantic rock and into the Belizian jungle river. CBG and I stood on the sidelines and watched a few brave souls take the plunge. As I stood there watching I realized that I actually really wanted to do it, too. I stood there quietly watching, with an inner battle going on. I wanted to jump, but as expected, I was scared to do it. Then suddenly there was a little voice in my head that told me that if I didn’t do it, I would always regret that decision.
I looked at CBG. “I’m doing it.”
His eyes lit up. “Really?”
“Yes! Take pictures.”
I knew that this was a moment I would always want to remember.
I climbed up the bank and one of our cave-tubing hosts helped me out onto the edge of the rock. I stood there for a moment, hesitating, knowing that this was “now or never” time.
I paused for only a second, thinking about fear: most importantly, that I don’t want it to define my life. I don’t want it hold me back.
As CBG begin this new chapter of our lives, I have lots of reasons to be fearful. Change is tough. Being vulnerable and opening ourselves up the possibility of failure isn’t easy. The last four-ish years of my life have been all about pushing forward despite my fears. I have had lots of reasons to be fearful and allow that fear to restrict me…but I have learned, and I have triumphed despite it.
It’s not the fear that’s the problem…it’s allowing the fear to take control and hold us back that’s the issue.
This past Friday I had this Note from the Universe waiting for me in my inbox:
Fear, Kelly, like joy, usually means that you’re exactly where you should be, learning what you’re ready to learn, about to become more than who you were.
I’m in a place where I need to look fear in the eye and embrace it. Just like the moment when stood there on that rock overhanging the river in Belize, this is “now or never” time. I can allow my fear to hold me back and create my own failure, or I can take a risk and leap and open up possibilities of exceeding my own expectations. One choice will make my world smaller. The other will open it up beyond even my wildest dreams.
Do I want to live a life full of possibilities? You bet your ass I do.
Feeling fear is a normal part of life, this I know. We all experience fear, especially in the face of change and the unknown. The fear itself isn’t the problem, it’s how we choose to react to that fear. And you know what? I refuse to allow myself to be held back by it. I’m on the cusp of something here with all of this, I can feel it.
I need to just close my eyes and jump.