Fear

I spent yesterday working on a post about facing and triumphing over my own fear. A tale about an adventure on the amazing vacation that CBG and I just went on. The problem was that as the day wore on and the more I wrote, the more I began to feel like a fraud. As I spent the day alone yesterday (an extremely rare occurrence for me on a Sunday), fear crept in and set up camp in my brain. Thoughts began swirling around that fear and before I knew it, I worked myself into quite the fear-fueled panic.

Not quite the ‘bad-ass’ that I was writing about being.

Right now I’m feeling the burden of fear weighing down on me heavily. While we were away together it was so easy to turn off the overthinking parts of my brain and just enjoy being together and the excitement of our engagement. But now that I’m back to the “real world” and have time to be alone with my thoughts a little too much, I can’t help but pay attention to the fears that have begun incessantly hammering away at me.

Even though I wrote recently about feeling ready to marry again, when I’m honest with myself, I know that I still have a lot of fear there. Having one’s first marriage crash and burn can make you a little gun-shy, I guess. I’m so much more aware this time around of the potential for error and the possibility for hurt. The first time around even the concept of failure was so foreign to me that it never once entered my thought process. This time I know that even with the best of intentions, even with all the love in the world, things can sometimes still go wrong.

The fears pile up.

I’m afraid of living with CBG and having that destroy our relationship. We are so good the way we are; what if it doesn’t translate over when we’re together 24/7?

I’m afraid of all the changes that are coming down the pipe. Living together is a Big Deal. Sure we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years  but this time has never included all those every day minute details that everyday life together entails. Bills, housework, etc, has never been part of the mix. Part of me is nervous about this.

There is also a lot of work in our future in the next little while. The wheels are in motion but it’s going to take some time for all the pieces to be put into place. Sometimes the “to do” list feels a little daunting.

I’m afraid of allowing myself to get excited for these changes — what if my expectations are raised and they never happen after all? I’ve been so focused on NOT dreaming about these things for so long, I’m afraid to let my mind finally “go there” for fear that they will never happen after all.

I’m afraid of my girls getting hurt. They love CBG like anything. They’ve already lived through my divorce from their dad. I wouldn’t want to do something like that to them again.

I’m afraid of CBG damaging his relationship with his son. This is at the forefront of my mind a lot. Rationally I know that it’s not my job to ensure that his relationship with Ankle Biter stays strong; that’s his job and all I can do is support him as much as possible. But honestly I worry that some day AB will end up feeling resentful of me and my girls no matter how hard we try to keep their relationship strong.

I’m afraid that maybe I’m really not the woman that CBG thinks I am, and he’ll be disappointed with my failures and shortcomings. Again, it’s that day-to-day life thing. It’s easy to keep my neuroses away from him when we’re only physically together every other weekend. Every day? My “crazy” might be a little too overwhelming for him, who knows.

After three and a half years I know for certain that we can do a long distance relationship. It’s the “in-person”/24-7 part that worries me most at this point.

I know that I’m allowing fear to take over and rule my thoughts and emotions right now. But I have to be honest with what’s going on in my head and my heart right now, otherwise I’m going to be completely overwhelmed with all of it.

I know that a certain amount of fear and anxiety in a situation like this is natural and normal, but where do I draw the line? And more importantly — how?

8 Responses

  1. To play devil’s advocate:
    – What if you’re even better when you’re together 24/7?
    – What if the every day details seem less daunting because you’ll both have someone to divide and conquer them allowing you more free time to do things you enjoy?
    – What if allowing yourself to get excited means more positive energy going out into the world towards to the process?
    – What if your girls feel more love than they ever have because CGB will be yet another source of love in their lives?
    – What if CBG’s relationship with AB actually benefits in that every single moment with him is even more precious than before and they both realize this?
    – What if you’re more than CBG thinks you are and he wakes up every day even more in love with you because you’re even more awesome than he thought you were because now he gets to share his life with you every day in person, with your girls?

    I love this quote: “STOP thinking about what could go wrong and think about what could go right.”

    You’ve got this. Being fearful and recognizing there are negative possibilities is healthy. Dwelling on them to the point you begin to turn the possibilities of the positives into impossibilities is where it takes a bad turn.

    You DESERVE happiness. YES, you do. Don’t let your past experiences overshadow your future ability to be happy. It isn’t going to be all rainbows and unicorns because it is after all, life. But, the fact you’re going to be sharing that life with someone who you’ve built an amazing foundation with and who also has past experiences to learn from means you’re both going to do whatever it takes in those dark times to ensure they are short-lived and that you come out the other side still together, still in love and most importantly, happy.

  2. Oh I love what WindsweptCoast has to say…sure, there is a lot of what-if’ing on all the scary parts, what COULD go wrong, but what about what if’ing the other way: what COULD go right. What COULD quite possibly (and quite realistically!) turn into the best decision you two have ever made in your lives. I am right there with you on those fears, of marrying again, of worrying about effing it up. But it’s worth the risk, it’s worth the chance, because love is always worth the risk. The scarier option would be to NOT do any of those things. Because then where we would be? Sure, not scared, but pretty darn miserable. You GOT this. Both of you do. It’s change, but you will adapt like a champ. And be so happy after all is said and done.

  3. I think *some* fear when moving into the next phase of a relationship, any relationship, is healthy and actually a good thing. It means that you are utterly committed to that relationship and that you want to do NOTHING to screw that up (not that you could or would). I do think that too much fear, fear of everything, can be debilitating. Half the battle is figuring out which fears have some ground beneath them and which ones need to go by the wayside (like the one about you not being the woman CBG thinks you are, so NOT gonna happen my dear). If you can whittle those fears away and focus on the big scary fears and figuring out how to conquer them? You’ll be well on your way towards this next chapter, with eyes wide open, but wide open and strong (if that makes sense).

  4. I too love what WindsweptCoast said. Look at the positive that can come from all of this. I understand where you are coming from. I too have been going through it all with my wedding coming up. I have those fears that well up because I just refuse to go through a divorce again. It is tough to find a balance but it will get easier as life starts falling into place.

  5. Um…. yeah. I double hear you on this. It’s hard to think positive when the unknown is so very daunting.

    My fear holds me back from so many things. And GJ’s fear? Well, we already talked about that last week. My guess is… when the promise of greatness outweighs the fear, everything will work out just fine.

    xxoo

  6. […] the days like this past Sunday when the fear sets up camp in my already overwhelmed brain, I need to remind myself of this moment that happened while CBG and I were on […]

  7. […] past weekend, I was given a gift from The Universe. A gift that showed me that despite my fears, my life is absolutely going in the right direction. Seems like The Universe always seems to know […]

  8. […] few weeks…really, since returning from vacation. The reality of everything has set in and the list of things to be afraid of is long. I’ve been trying to fight it, but damn, it’s not […]

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