I spent yesterday working on a post about facing and triumphing over my own fear. A tale about an adventure on the amazing vacation that CBG and I just went on. The problem was that as the day wore on and the more I wrote, the more I began to feel like a fraud. As I spent the day alone yesterday (an extremely rare occurrence for me on a Sunday), fear crept in and set up camp in my brain. Thoughts began swirling around that fear and before I knew it, I worked myself into quite the fear-fueled panic.
Not quite the ‘bad-ass’ that I was writing about being.
Right now I’m feeling the burden of fear weighing down on me heavily. While we were away together it was so easy to turn off the overthinking parts of my brain and just enjoy being together and the excitement of our engagement. But now that I’m back to the “real world” and have time to be alone with my thoughts a little too much, I can’t help but pay attention to the fears that have begun incessantly hammering away at me.
Even though I wrote recently about feeling ready to marry again, when I’m honest with myself, I know that I still have a lot of fear there. Having one’s first marriage crash and burn can make you a little gun-shy, I guess. I’m so much more aware this time around of the potential for error and the possibility for hurt. The first time around even the concept of failure was so foreign to me that it never once entered my thought process. This time I know that even with the best of intentions, even with all the love in the world, things can sometimes still go wrong.
The fears pile up.
I’m afraid of living with CBG and having that destroy our relationship. We are so good the way we are; what if it doesn’t translate over when we’re together 24/7?
I’m afraid of all the changes that are coming down the pipe. Living together is a Big Deal. Sure we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years but this time has never included all those every day minute details that everyday life together entails. Bills, housework, etc, has never been part of the mix. Part of me is nervous about this.
There is also a lot of work in our future in the next little while. The wheels are in motion but it’s going to take some time for all the pieces to be put into place. Sometimes the “to do” list feels a little daunting.
I’m afraid of allowing myself to get excited for these changes — what if my expectations are raised and they never happen after all? I’ve been so focused on NOT dreaming about these things for so long, I’m afraid to let my mind finally “go there” for fear that they will never happen after all.
I’m afraid of my girls getting hurt. They love CBG like anything. They’ve already lived through my divorce from their dad. I wouldn’t want to do something like that to them again.
I’m afraid of CBG damaging his relationship with his son. This is at the forefront of my mind a lot. Rationally I know that it’s not my job to ensure that his relationship with Ankle Biter stays strong; that’s his job and all I can do is support him as much as possible. But honestly I worry that some day AB will end up feeling resentful of me and my girls no matter how hard we try to keep their relationship strong.
I’m afraid that maybe I’m really not the woman that CBG thinks I am, and he’ll be disappointed with my failures and shortcomings. Again, it’s that day-to-day life thing. It’s easy to keep my neuroses away from him when we’re only physically together every other weekend. Every day? My “crazy” might be a little too overwhelming for him, who knows.
After three and a half years I know for certain that we can do a long distance relationship. It’s the “in-person”/24-7 part that worries me most at this point.
I know that I’m allowing fear to take over and rule my thoughts and emotions right now. But I have to be honest with what’s going on in my head and my heart right now, otherwise I’m going to be completely overwhelmed with all of it.
I know that a certain amount of fear and anxiety in a situation like this is natural and normal, but where do I draw the line? And more importantly — how?
Filed under: CBG, fear, figuring stuff out, Getting it off my chest, living and learning, screwed-up-ness, The "L" Word | Tagged: canadian bald guy, fear, life, long distance relationship, love, marriage, singlemom |