Gratitude

Last week I found myself thinking back over the last few years and feeling deep gratitude for everything that I have in my life right now.

Two years ago I was struggling in a big way to make ends meet. I was working temp jobs and barely holding it together, selling personal belongings in order to give my girls a proper Christmas. My mom was helping me out a fair bit financially. Things were not going well with my ex. I was still suffering from some PTSD symptoms after losing the group of friends that I had been a very big part of my life for a long time. I felt lonely a lot. I struggled with the distance when it came to my relationship with CBG. I still floundered a lot.

Though I didn’t have much else, I had CBG, and I had my girls. I was making my rent every month somehow, and those were the only things that mattered to me at the time. Though I was hopeful about the future, I didn’t see how all the pieces were going to fit together. There were still a lot of days when I felt pretty hopeless. I still doubted myself and my abilities – a lot.

Fast forward to this Christmas. I’ve been in my job for about 15 months now. I’ve feeling settled and happy there, despite the stress that comes along with it. Though I may not be rolling in it, I no longer worry where my rent is coming from. I plan to upgrade to some place a little nicer in the next year. I’ve got financial plans in the works that I feel excited about.

I have reached a point in my relationship with CBG where I feel more settled when it comes to the distance. I don’t like it anymore than I did before, but I feel like, after over three years of doing this, we have settled into a pattern of sorts. I have accepted that this is where we are right now. We have made it this far. What we have is worth it. We will keep doing this for as long as we need to.

I have worked through my issues surrounding the loss of my former friends. Most of the time I don’t even think about them anymore. I have met new people, made new friends, rekindled old friendships. As I’ve done the work, the PTSD symptoms have all but disappeared.

Things have improved with my ex to the point that most days, I consider him a friend. We have built a solid co-parenting relationship for the most part. I can talk to him about the things that matter when it comes to the girls.

Most days, I am a bad-ass. And I know it.And when I do have a shitty day, I know that it will pass and I’ll be back to feeling like a bad-ass in no time. I am happy with the strong, independent woman that I have worked hard to become.

Life may not be perfect. My man still lives three hours away. I still have crummy single-parenting days. I still make mistakes at my “new” job. I still screw up this parenting thing now and again. I still beat myself up sometimes.

But you know what? I have many, many good things. And for all of those things I feel truly grateful. That smiling big as I rest my head on my pillow at night kind of gratitude. I’ve come a long way, baby. And I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

7 Responses

  1. This post made me smile big time. Yay you!! 🙂

  2. You have come so far! I am so proud of you for how well you’ve pulled yourself up from the financial stuff, and are at a steadier state there, in your relationship with everyone around you and your relationship with yourself, most importantly. Beautiful post my friend, you are amazing and inspiring and awesome all wrapped into one 🙂

  3. Oh I love this post so much. I sense a feeling of calm and peacefulness around you right now, like you’re feeling content and happy right where you are, despite the challenges you face with distance and PTSD and things like that. You’re such an inspiration. You and my sis inspire me everyday in seeing what you’ve both been through and how far you’ve come in a relatively short amount of time. Rock on with your badass self!

  4. All in all, this sounds like a good place to be – emotionally speaking. I’m happy for you!

  5. […] then I think about how fortunate I am to have a job that promotes work/life balance. A job that is understanding when I have sick […]

  6. […] don’t even know when it’s going to come. But this thought permeated my very being, that all of this struggle that I’ve gone through these last couple of years has started paying off, and it’s going to pay off even more in the coming year. Last night as […]

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