Frozen

It’s one of those mornings when I wake up unable to take action in my own life. I went to bed with my running clothes laid out, my iPod at the ready. I woke up (on my own, like I do every morning) at the perfect time to get out there on the streets.

And yet, here I sit, unable to move and do what I know I should do.

There is a lot on my mind this morning, which makes it even worse that I’m not out there running. A good run often clears my head, giving me much needed-opportunity to turn things over in my brain with the added benefit of extra oxygen and my blood pumping. Things seem so much clearer to me during a run. After a good run, I almost always feel more positive and optimistic about life.

But I can’t run today. Today I’m frozen. My legs are frozen….along with my heart and my mind. Instead of sifting through all of these thoughts and feelings, I’m shoving them, along with their ice packs, to the back of the room. I don’t want to deal with you right now….because frankly, you scare me. And I’m just not feeling all that badass today. Not every morning can be a winner, I suppose.

It’s unfortunate details of the long distance relationship rearing it’s ugly head again. The frustration of feeling trapped with no workable, happy solution in sight is one of the worst feelings ever. Whatever happened to finding solutions that are cut-and-dried, black-and-white? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to happen? Isn’t that what was promised to us when we were kids, looking at the prospect of adulthood? That some things were going to be easy….things like love. And family. How is it that I ended up with a gray area even there?

Later this week marks three years since CBG and I met. It seems like a lifetime ago, when a simple, off-the-cuff, spontaneous email sparked something exciting and thrilling, that seemed to be full of a million possibilities. In the beginning neither one of us were forward-thinking enough to question what it could potentially mean; we were too caught up in the thrill of it all. We were truly in the moment, enjoying what we had found. Three years later the questions are there – and they’re not easy. We are no closer to a solution to the distance than we were three years ago, and yet we are both visibly more frustrated and saddened by it.  The distance touches every aspects of our lives, creating a strain – mental, emotional, financial.

It’s nothing new….it’s the same story that’s been there for the last three years. It’s just not any easier. In fact, in a lot of ways, as we have greater considerations, it’s becoming even worse.

And today? Well, today it’s left me frozen.

6 Responses

  1. Sigh. I never have any good words of advice for these posts (not that my advice is totally good all the time anyway!!), because in a word, it sucks. Your situation is really tough and as you say, there isn’t a good solution right now. Stalemate. But I wish you and CBG a wonderful anniversary this weekend. Three years strong. XOXO

    • It’s okay…no magic answers from anyone else expected…it’s just good to be able to get these thoughts and feelings “out there”. I always appreciate your support and your sympathetic ear! 🙂

  2. Yep. I so hear you. Of course I do.

    As I said to him, much love to both of you. And congratulations on 3 years. We’ll be celebrating that same milestone in May. Crazy, huh?

    Enjoy your reunion weekend and celebration. xxoo

    • Thanks for your support. 🙂

      We’ll get through this, like we always do, it’s just tough sometimes being faced with the same challenges over and over again. Hopefully some solutions will come to one or both of us soon.

  3. Seriously – this SUCKS, no two ways about it. I wish I could just magically fix it FOR you. You and CBG are SO meant to be together that I can’t even fathom how hard it is when it’s not a CBG weekend (or day for that matter). SIGH.

    But – the fact that you’re nearing THREE years is a testament to the love you two have for eachother. It’s beautiful.

    PS. You’re still badass even if you felt frozen this morning. Just fyi 😉

    • Thanks, Jess.

      It’s weird…most of the time I have learned how to be “okay” with the distance, but then there are times when our frustration and sadness over being apart just gets the better of us. But you’re right..the fact that we’ve made it three years so far says something about us and our relationship. I feel so blessed to have him.

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