It’s one of those mornings when I wake up unable to take action in my own life. I went to bed with my running clothes laid out, my iPod at the ready. I woke up (on my own, like I do every morning) at the perfect time to get out there on the streets.
And yet, here I sit, unable to move and do what I know I should do.
There is a lot on my mind this morning, which makes it even worse that I’m not out there running. A good run often clears my head, giving me much needed-opportunity to turn things over in my brain with the added benefit of extra oxygen and my blood pumping. Things seem so much clearer to me during a run. After a good run, I almost always feel more positive and optimistic about life.
But I can’t run today. Today I’m frozen. My legs are frozen….along with my heart and my mind. Instead of sifting through all of these thoughts and feelings, I’m shoving them, along with their ice packs, to the back of the room. I don’t want to deal with you right now….because frankly, you scare me. And I’m just not feeling all that badass today. Not every morning can be a winner, I suppose.
It’s unfortunate details of the long distance relationship rearing it’s ugly head again. The frustration of feeling trapped with no workable, happy solution in sight is one of the worst feelings ever. Whatever happened to finding solutions that are cut-and-dried, black-and-white? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to happen? Isn’t that what was promised to us when we were kids, looking at the prospect of adulthood? That some things were going to be easy….things like love. And family. How is it that I ended up with a gray area even there?
Later this week marks three years since CBG and I met. It seems like a lifetime ago, when a simple, off-the-cuff, spontaneous email sparked something exciting and thrilling, that seemed to be full of a million possibilities. In the beginning neither one of us were forward-thinking enough to question what it could potentially mean; we were too caught up in the thrill of it all. We were truly in the moment, enjoying what we had found. Three years later the questions are there – and they’re not easy. We are no closer to a solution to the distance than we were three years ago, and yet we are both visibly more frustrated and saddened by it. The distance touches every aspects of our lives, creating a strain – mental, emotional, financial.
It’s nothing new….it’s the same story that’s been there for the last three years. It’s just not any easier. In fact, in a lot of ways, as we have greater considerations, it’s becoming even worse.
And today? Well, today it’s left me frozen.