What If?

Last night during dinner my oldest daughter suggested that we play a game she called “What if?”. The idea is simple – we each took turns making up a “what if?” question, and then we took turns answering it.
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Like:
“What if we got another cat?” 
“What if Mommy got a lot of money and bought a house?” 
“What if we got TWO more cats?”  
“What if Mommy and [CBG] got married?” 
“What if we all lived together in a big house – us, CBG, Ankle-Biter and Rugrat?” 
* * * *
It was very telling to see where my girls’ focus is right now. They dream of a life where we’re all together – one big happy family.
And apparently, with a lot of cats.
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For me, the game was actually kinda depressing. My girls’ desires don’t exactly match up with the reality of our lives. Hell, *my* desires don’t match up with the reality of our lives. I realized that I play the “What If?” game in my head almost every.single.day. I ‘what if’ everything. What if CBG moved here? What if money was no longer a worry for me? What if I landed my dream job? What if my ex agreed to move to CBG’s city with the girls and I? What if CBG and I can’t make it work? What if CBG and I had never met?
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The list could go on forever. And in my head…it does. Some of my what ifs I can’t even write here…I can’t own up to even thinking them. The shitty thing about the “what if” game, the reason why it’s so dangerous,  is that it robs me of enjoying my life exactly as it is right now. And the truth is that there are many things about this life of mine that are pretty great just the way it is. Why can’t I just be content with what I have – all the time?
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And so this seems to be the cycle of my life. Contentment, frustration, contentment, frustration…on and on and on it goes. I am somewhere between the two at the moment. Content with the life I have with my girls… frustrated with the life I don’t have with CBG.
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What if I could be given a life that is somewhere in the middle of the two?

10 Responses

  1. The what-if game is a dangerous line between fantasy in a good and a bad way. And you deserve to find that balance between contentment and frustration instead of swinging back and forth and back and forth. I know you feel like you are at a stalemate right now, and have tried just about everything to be content in your situation, make the best of it, despite knowing that in the near-term, it ain’t changing. But if you go back to the what-if question you asked – what if you didn’t meet CBG…your life wouldn’t have that level of contentment and love that you so deserve. Right? It kind of trumps the other what-ifs, in the long run. Blabbering comment, I know, no real answer to this right now…but you are doing the best that you can (and I honestly love that the girls WANT to live as a big happy family. that is awesome).

  2. The one good thing about this what-if game with your girls? They are on the very same wavelength as you (maybe minus the cats haha) which means that CBG just fits and that’s awesome. But you’re right…focusing on what if, and “in the future’ stuff does force you to steal the joy out of your current life, and finding a way to love where you are right now, despite those things that you’d love to change. It’s really hard to get out of that mindset though,I struggle with it too.

    • Yes…CBG definitely fits into our life, which is a good thing.

      I’ve spent so much of my life being forward-focused that it’s hard to shift my mind to the here and now. But it’s something that I need to do, particularly since my future is very much up in the air….and it seems will continue to be for quite some time.

  3. The most important “What if” question there is, the one that we should all answer is:

    What if I didn’t have the life I have today? Right now?

    For all that could possibly be, the answer to what might be gone and might not be makes me realize that in truth I wouldn’t change a thing.

    Dreaming is great! It’s useful. It gives us hope. It clarifies goals. However dreaming should not overtake the reality of the moment.

    Enjoy where you are at now. It will all fall into place when it’s meant to happen.

    ((hugs))

    • Thank you. 🙂 I guess right now I”m just going through a period where I’m having a difficult time being patient with letting things “fall into place”. Some days/weeks I am better than this than others….

  4. Or, from something I saw on Facebook, “What if we woke up tomorrow and only had the things we thanked God for today?”

    Very telling, no?

    I’m with you. I totally get this. It’s tough to quit the “what if’s” and just be grateful for “what is”.

    xxoo

    • For me it seems to go in cycles…sometimes I’m very happy and content with what I have…other times (like now)…not so much. the only thing I can do is try to ride it out until I’m able to feel happy and grateful again…

  5. I gave up on the What If game and renamed it mindf*ck game.

    Sorry Sunshine, I’m not very sunshiney today.

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