It’s My Blog and I’ll Whine if I Want to

The mornings are dark now. Not to mention cold. This makes finding the motivation to roll out of bed, don my running gear and getting out the door a lot more challenging than it was over the summer. This morning I fought with myself to get out there…and I lost. My running gear remains in a crumpled pile on the floor.

Honestly? I feel pretty disappointed in myself. Defeated, even. Like I’m not that same women who rocked the half marathon just two weeks ago. I know what you all are going to say, it’s just one morning, there’s plenty of days to make up for it, everyone needs a break…yadda yadda yadda. The truth is that I’m not feeling much like a badass this morning – at all. Instead I feel like a scared little girl, staring down the barrel of the future and quaking in my boots. It’s not about running, people. It’s about feeling strong and capable and motivated all on my own.

And this morning I’m just not feeling it.

I was at home recuperating  yesterday, having spent pretty much the entirety of Sunday night sick. Being at home yesterday wasn’t particularly good for me. I had too much time to tool around my apartment, missing my daughters, missing CBG, mourning a life that hasn’t been mine for a good long time. Generally just feeling sorry for myself.

Well that’s not very badass of me, now is it?

It’s one of those weeks when I’ll be struggling with what is, as opposed to what I want it to be. How does one make peace with the reality of their life when they’re too busy wanting it to be something entirely different? They don’t. I’m struggling. And to make it worse, I’m feeling crappy about myself for struggling. Always a good combination.

It’s gonna be a long day.

6 Responses

  1. Whine away (wine away?! hehe) and get it out of your system. I have weeks where it is a struggle to get up to work out or to run or whatever, and other weeks it feels a little easier. It is HARD to go outside and run in these temps…the fact that you are determined to do so is ALREADY bad ass in my book. So, cross your arms, huff and puff a bit and then tomorrow is a new day 🙂

  2. I’ve felt like this many times. I hope you find some peace and motivation to help push you forward soon.

    We all need a good whine now and again.

  3. When I facilitate workshops, people will often finish a session saying, “I finally get it! I’m totally okay! I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life and I’m never going to go back to that old way of thinking.”

    At which point I always say that this is a wonderful feeling and to hold it for as long as possible…but at some point someone is going to cut them off in traffic and they’re going to get pissed off and forget a bit. But each time they do a workshop or have a personal revelation and go back to that “badass” place, even for a few minutes, they’re building a muscle that is getting stronger and they’ll be able to hold it for longer.

    Falling down is as much a part of learning to be a badass as the mornings when we actually get out of bed feeling like a badass. The challenge for me is remembering that in the moments when I’ve fallen down and can’t remember how to get back up. But we always do. 🙂

  4. Huge hugs being sent over the Internet!

  5. Agree with my sis on all counts – whine whenever and however you want, you’re STILL badass in my book. Because guess what? Badass doesn’t equate to perfection. Don’t forget that, ok? Cut yourself some slack sometimes.

  6. […] his own demons. The holidays are coming and I’m feeling a bit of the financial strain. I’ve been dealing with some of my own issues. My ex got some bad news week. I’m on the verge of some changes in my own life; like finding a […]

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