Demons

We are all haunted by inner demons in some way, to some degree. There are things inside of us that cause us upset, that we’re afraid to face for one reason or another. Maybe most of the time we’re able to master these demons, keep them under control, but eventually they get louder and make their way front and centre.

I’m in the front-and-centre place right now, kids.

As the marathon looms closer I find myself looking for excuses to back out. I keep turning it over in my mind, coming up with reasons why I should keep myself firmly planted at home that weekend. My biggest excuse is doubting the cost of the overnight trip, telling myself that “it’s not worth it”.

What I’ve really been saying in the back of my mind is that I’m not worth it.

Too much of my life has been spent doubting my own worth. Even when I achieve something good, I still manage to find a way to make it “less than”. Sure, I ran a marathon a few years ago. But I tell myself the accomplishment was less because of my exhusband’s overwhelming support during the training process. Yes, I have two amazing daughters, but that’s just because they’re great people, not because of anything I’ve done. Sure, I landed myself a pretty decent job, but that was just luck, now wasn’t it? And this man of mine? Well some days I’m really not sure what keeps him hanging on.

It all comes down to fear. Fear of failure success. Failure I can deal with. After all, I can turn anything into a perceived failure if I look hard enough. It’s fear of success that haunts me more than anything.

Accepting my own worth and facing success are two of my biggest demons to face these days.

CBG has been a wonderful support as I face these insecurities and uncertainty. One of the things I love about him is that he doesn’t fight my demons for me. He doesn’t get in my way or tell me how to do it. He just stands there and gives me words of encouragement and love as I dig through my arsenal of weapons until I find the one that does the trick.

And I know, that when I finally defeat the demon, he will dance joyfully with me on its ashes. That’s the kind of man he is.

Precisely the kind of man I need in my life.

So for now I am doing my best to not back down. I’m tempted, don’t get me wrong. And I’m scared shitless some days. But then I remember that being brave isn’t about the absence of fear, it’s about feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

I’m not going to back down, and give myself a reason to feel rotten about myself. Not this time. This time I am going to stand up to those demons. I’m stronger than they are.

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” ~Mark Twain

 

6 Responses

  1. You are fearless. Don’t kid yourself. You most certainly have this half marathon in the bag…I KNOW you do. And you know, deep down that you do. Perhaps part of it is the fear of going all the way, not the ‘going halfway and stopping’ mentality that I fought as I started this barre n9ne challenge in May. Committing and being dedicated to it. But you ARE and you ARE worth it. I have all the faith in the world. XOXO

  2. Wonderful pep talk my friend. Even though it might not have felt like you were giving yourself one with this post, you totally were. You are NOT backing down. You are facing this fear, and these demons, head-on, and you WILL dance on their ashes with CBG when the time comes for you to conquer them, one by one. Stay strong. I’m sending faithful vibes your way.

  3. Fight one demon at a time. Hopefully, given time, you will overcome them all.

  4. You rock … always remember that!! But I would say I know this feeling well and you make me want to re-evaluate my life because that’s exactly what I’m doing when I’m not working out, not going for something I want …saying I’m not worth it. But you are, and so am I!

  5. Pfft. You got this. And you are worthy of every ounce of goodness in your life.

    (P.S. I do this too!)

  6. […] seems you’ve been in overdrive lately, and I have a pretty good idea why. With the half marathon coming up in only three days, […]

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