On Friday night, after CBG got into town (and after we…*ahem*…“reunited”) we took the opportunity to talk a bit. Specifically about my blog post last week, where I wrote about grieving the loss of certain things from my life; things that aren’t going to be possible because of our relationship and because of who CBG is.
The post hurt his feelings. He felt as though I was saying I was giving up all these great things in order to be with him, and that his fear was that I would one day end up resenting him for those sacrifices. I realized that I’d written the blog post a little too much “in the moment” and didn’t take some time to think about how my words might make him feel. I realize that’s likely how I made it sound…that I was being negative and focusing on everything that I was losing, and paying little attention to all that I have gained, and all of the positive changes in my life.
The thing is, every relationship requires sacrifice, from both partners. I realize that there are things that CBG is giving up in order for us to be together and continue this LDR indefinitely. I never meant to make it sound like it was all me, giving up all of these great and wonderful things so that we could have this relationship. For me it’s more about giving up the idea of these things, since many of them weren’t in my immediate grasp anyhow. It’s also about coming up with new hopes and dreams, ones that won’t frustrate me and make me resentful. I need dreams that are based on the life that I’m building now…that we’re building now. Together. Even if we are separated most of the time.
During our conversation I told CBG that it’s not a matter of me feeling like I have to give up these things, but that I’m doing it willingly. Because the sacrifices are absolutely worth what we have. I just need a little time to feel sad about them, before I’m able to move on.
He told me that it felt like I was disappointed in him because he’s not a certain kind of guy. And of course that’s not true, even though my words might have communicated otherwise. And then he told me: “I want to be *that* guy…the guy who goes camping even though he hates it because it’s something you love to do.” Those words gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes, as the truth of what he said hit me square in the face. In those words, with that small gesture, he communicated all the love he feels for me.
All of those sacrifices, all of those hopes and dreams that may never be realized, just melted away as I was reminded of just how much this man adores me, and what a lucky woman I am indeed.
Sure I have things that I’m giving up…but in return, I have the man of my dreams. Seems like a pretty fair trade, don’t you think so?