All In

My friend Jobo‘s comment on yesterday’s post about being “all in” has really got me thinking.

Thinking about how, in this relationship, I have always had one foot out the door, waiting to bolt if necessary. And if I’m being 100% honest, expecting to bolt at some point or another. Like it was only a matter of time. And you know what? That’s a shitty attitude to have in a relationship. Especially one as good as this one.

I know that I need to be “all in” with this. Because, as was also pointed out to me yesterday (thanks, Leah!) that we can’t make the decision about whether a relationship is right or not without being “all in”. So it’s time to take a deep breath, throw my escape plan out the window, and finally, after close to three years, commit to this this thing fully.

Being all in means fully accepting the reality of this long distance relationship.

Being all in means not allowing fear to control my thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Being all in means exposing my heart to potential hurt. But it also means opening myself to even more love than I have felt over the past almost three years.

Being all in means having complete faith in myself, in him, and in the love we share.

I’m ready to take the plunge.

9 Responses

  1. I’ve found, with me, it’s happened gradually. It seems… the more I nurture me and my life without my man, the more “all in” I am with him. Ironic, no?


    • That’s a good point. I’ve been slowly allowing myself to become more invested in my life here, separate from him, particularly over the last year or so. Hopefully this will allow me to be more at peace with the less than ideal aspects of our relationship (like the distance and other negatives of LDRs).

  2. Aww! Yay, I am so glad my comment resonated. And I am glad you are committing to ‘all in’ because I think you are shortchanging not only CBG and your relationship but yourself as well. I also agree with T’s comment that you need to nurture your life with and without your man and yourself too, to feel more ‘all in’ as a couple. I think that makes total sense and while you have been focusing more on YOU, I think maybe that has meant in some way, cultivating this ‘escape plan’ in your head more than helping you invest in yourself again. If that makes sense?

    • Y’know what? You absolutely hit the nail on the head. These past few months in particular I’ve really been working on nurturing myself and my life here, without him, but part of that has been, as you said, “cultivating my escape plan”….thinking about how I would “be okay” on my own, if/when things didn’t work out between us. I need to nurture myself for me…for the pure joy of doing it.

      Thanks for your thoughtful comments, as always. 🙂

      • Woohoo 😉 In all seriousness, I am glad my comment helped you today and yesterday! I am pulling for you guys so much!

      • I realized a long time ago that no matter what ends up happening, I will never regret this relationship. It has been too special and has taught me too much to ever feel otherwise. So no matter what…CBG & I are a good thing. 🙂

  3. This is the scariest part of love – giving of yourself fully, entirely, with abandon. Knowing full well that your heart is so vulnerable, so easily broken in the process of love – but it’s that feeling, that utter and complete abandon and giving of yourself to that other person, THAT is love. And it’s so worth it. Even if it could end up in heartache. It could also end up in the greatest most amazing love you’ve ever felt. Just like Jo said, I’m pulling for you guys too…

  4. Brava and YAHOO! 🙂

  5. […] deciding that I was “All In”, I have had a lot of thoughts, memories, and emotions crop up for me. I realized that I have many […]

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