Disconnect

The week with CBG and I and the four kids has been…interesting. I have a lot of thoughts swirling around and I’ll be processing it all for a while. I’m sure there are many future blog posts that will be generated after this week.

It’s tough spending a week with four kids who are influenced by five different households. Keeping everyone happy and enforcing fair rules for all is a definite challenge.

Things between CBG and I have been a bit strained. We don’t always parent in the same way. There are tense moments. The intimacy is lacking. Last night we went to bed without even a ‘goodnight’…turned away from each other. This was after an evening together of basically no conversation, feeling like there was a huge wall between us. I fell asleep thinking dark thoughts. My sleep was restless, full of dreams. I woke up feeling no more rested than when I’d gone to bed. Yesterday was a bad day.

Today was better. As we were getting ready to head out for the day I sought CBG out for a moment alone. We put our arms around each other and just stood there, hugging, for several minutes, holding each other, breathing in each other’s scent, feeling our hearts beat together. Just for a moment. Until one of the kids burst in on us and the moment was ripped away from us. But for whatever reason, that one brief moment of connection seemed to cause the shift that was needed. Though there still feels like there is a distance between us, it’s like we’re each reaching across the chasm toward the other. Though we may not be able to reach one another, we’re still making the effort….and at this point, that’s a very important thing.

This is how parents drift apart – they get so wrapped up in being parents that they lose that connection with one another.When that disconnect happens, if it goes too far, it can be hard to reconnect again. That’s what happened with my ex and I…we reached a point of disconnection that there was no recovering from it.

It’s even tougher when you’re looking at blended families, because if there’s a show-down, if sides must be chosen, the lines that are drawn are family lines, with the two parents standing on opposite sides. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m a protective mama-bear and I will always, always, always back up my girls first. And the thing is, when you start feeling like you’re not on the same team as your partner, well, that’s when the real trouble sets in.

My hope is that the last few days of our vacation will allow CBG and I the opportunity to connect a bit more than we have been….at least enough to fortify us until our next “kid-free” weekend together. Because last night I realized what feels lonelier than going to bed all alone…it’s going to bed and feeling a million miles away from the person who is laying right beside you.

That’s a feeling that, no matter what, I never want to feel again.

9 Responses

  1. Those last few lines? Yep. I agree.

    And you’ve also hit the nail on the head. Blending families has got to be one of the most challenging relationships to have, isn’t it? And YES, it is definitely how married parents lose connection.

    As I said on CBG’s post earlier, this is why single parenthood rocks. You have ample time off to reconnect… over and over again.

    Hang in there.

    ((hugs))

  2. ((hugs)) last night must have been extremely tough. For both of you. I am glad you connected today and are going to try and find time to keep that up the rest of the week. And you recognize the issue parents have sometimes and the disconnect so I know you both will fight for that NOT to happen to you. I have faith. Hope your vacation is enjoyable at least for the most part (damn rain)!!

  3. I can’t imagine the relationship strain of blending families. I often feel relieved that I don’t have to co-parent with anyone.

    Your brief embrace was a HUGE thing. I hope you get more moments like that soon.

  4. Are we having the same vacation? I had a rough night with DH last night. Communication–whether for parenting issues or whatever–is tough in a relationship. Period. Good luck.

  5. Find times for those “together” moments. It is the small things that strengthen a relationship.

    In relation to the kids perhaps you both need to listen to each other, and find a unified stance, before you talk to the kids? Please don’t think that’s a lecture – it’s just a hope that you and CBG can find, and retain, the good times again because in my mind you are wrong about one thing namely;

    “There is nothing lonelier then losing a love that should, and could, have worked with just a little more effort from both sides.”

  6. I think the fact that you two had that moment together, amid the feeling of “disconnect” that happened this past week, is incredibly important and telling just how deep your love for eachother runs. Even though it feels like there’s a bit of a chasm there, you recognize the “why” behind it and will ultimately embrace and embrace and embrace until that chasm closes again. Because you’re right, in a marriage with or without kids, if that chasm isn’t recognized and nothing is done to close it, it can spin out of control quickly. Those little moments together all add up to one giant shared heart, and I know you two have that.

  7. When I used to be married I would say to my best friend that I was lonely. Being married and lonely is certainly the worst place I have ever been in and I will never go there again!

    I hope your vacation ended up better at the end.

  8. […] that has been on my mind as CBG and I have struggled through what felt like more than our share of challenging moments during our family […]

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