Fear

Anger consumed me on Thursday.

Fear came flooding in on Saturday.

Fast on heels of fear always comes doubt. Doubt that I can keep doing this. Doubt that our time together is really worth the heartache of when we’re apart. Doubt about my own strength and ability to continue moving forward in the face of an uncertain future.

The trigger this time? It was CBG getting a minivan. I know that seems like a relatively unrelated event. But the first thing I thought of was one of the unspoken reasons behind it: it would make life, for CBG and I, when we have our kids together, a whole lot easier.  Because even when we only have the three youngest, cramming three booster seats in the back seat of a car isn’t the easiest task in the world, and not the most comfortable experience ever for them, either. This van indicates forward-thinking and planning for a future together.

A future, that as we all know, is uncertain and likely involves continuing with this distance bullshit. Some days I find myself feeling relatively strong in the face of the challenges we face, but on Saturday, I definitely was not.

I found myself wanting to pull out of the family vacation coming up next week. In fact, I reached the point where I told CBG that “we needed to talk” as soon as he was back home again, because I’d decided that we definitely should not spend the week together as a family. It just seemed like too much. I didn’t feel mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with.

Fortunately, CBG wasn’t available to chat right away. And as the afternoon wore on, I was able to take some time to breathe and figure out what was going on.

Fear.

The fear isn’t committing to CBG. The fear is committing to a life that I don’t want, a life that I’m continuing to fight against. And while I’m getting better with the fight in general, every now and again (though less than it used to be), fear rears it’s ugly head.

I know what I have to do — I realized this a while ago. I have to get tough with myself. I have to make the decision every single day to continue forward in this relationship. I have to keep working on making my life happy and comfortable and joyful – just the way it is. I have to let go of my former hopes and dreams, mourn their loss, and create a new vision for myself, my girls, my relationship, my life and my future.

I’ve been resisting that…in the hope that something would change. It’s time to accept…and hell, even love the life that I have. It may take a bit for me to get there, but I’m determined that I will. I love this man and I deserve to have a life that I love.

“We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what’s wrong in your life, or you can focus on what’s right.” — Marianne Williamson

I’m determined to focus on what’s right.

11 Responses

  1. Yep. The thing is… what I’ve noticed… you DO love the life you have. You just want to share it with him. No harm in that.

    Pain is resistance. Acceptance does feel better. Take all of the ingredients you have and make the best meal you can.

    Much love.

    • You’re right. There are many, many things about my life to love and that I DO love. Very much so. And I just want to be able to share those things with the man that I love.

      The challenge has been acceptance, which I have a problem with. I need to work on that one…accepting what I have, and creating even more things that I love. Sharing with CBG what I can, and not obsessing when I can’t.

      It’s tough…but if I’m going to be able to make peace with all of this, then it’s what I have to do…

      Thanks for all your love and support. I know you understand all too well where I’m coming from… xo

  2. long distance is so hard. I wish you guys were able to commit to being WITH each other physically. I was lucky in that DH didn’t have kids and wasn’t married to a location when we started dating so that once we knew we were working he was able to move to me. I’m so grateful that was the case. I’m sending you strength.

    • Thank you. At this point there’s just no way that either one of us is able to move without sacrificing our relationship with our kids…and this is something that neither one of us is willing to do. It’s just the hard reality of our situation…and I need to keep working on accepting it.

  3. No doubt about it, LDR’s aren’t easy.

    I think tho, Sunshine, it’s an improvement for you that you are recognizing what was behind that anger you were feeling – it’s the fear.

    I have to wonder, when does the fear stop, you think?

    • Honestly? I think the fear will always be there in some form or another. It’s just in my nature. I need to learn not to fight against it, just accept it for what it is, and give it space, knowing that it will eventually simmer down again for a while (as it has always done in the past).

  4. Agree with T, totally. And that the problem has been accepting the LDR stuff, as shitty as it can be sometimes to have to come to terms with, that it IS what your relationship is for the long haul, and you’ll hopefully come to love and accept your whole life, LDR included. I am glad you didn’t totally let fear step in the way and you worked through it. Strength, absolutely.

    • Seriously, though, it’s been two and a half years. You’d think I would have gotten the hang of this by now, wouldn’t you?? lol

      Coming to terms with this is something that I’m fighting, I know, because there is a part of me that is still holding out for everything that I want to land in my lap, tied in a happy little bow. I have to be accepting of the gifts that I’m being given by the Universe no matter what package they come wrapped in….

  5. […] on one: “The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times”. After the day I’d had on Saturday, the title was calling out to […]

  6. […] fact, at some point early afternoon on Friday I found myself in full-fledged panic attack mode about spending the week with our blended family. I felt negative and unprepared. I fantasized about […]

  7. […] all in means not allowing fear to control my thoughts, actions, and […]

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