Anger

At some point this afternoon it descended upon me like a thick, dark, black cloud.

Anger.

Anger at pretty much everything I could possibly be angry at. Frustration with everything. Anger at people, their issues, my issues, my past, my present, my future. Anger at money problems. Anger at my job. Anger at my shitty apartment. Anger at my ex. Anger at everyone who has ever hurt me. Anger at CBG. Anger at his problems and issues. Anger at our long distance relationship. Anger at everything wrong with our relationship in general. Anger at what the future will and will not hold. Anger at myself – for past decisions I’ve made, for current decisions I am making, for future decisions that I’m certain I will make. Anger at my body and everything I hate about it. Anger at who I was, who I am, who I am becoming.

I didn’t know that  I had this much anger stored up inside me.

And with the anger, came a cold wind of panic sweeping in. Because anger? Well, I know myself well enough to realize that’s just a mask for something a lot more powerful: fear.

Anger is one thing. It’s fear that does the most damage.  That’s the one that I’m not ready to deal with.

8 Responses

  1. Don’t be fearful – accept that you are not in control of everything and go with the flow.

  2. I’m so sorry you are having an anxious day. I hope it gets way better.

    Maybe its something in the air. I’m feeling the same way these last few days. Taking it out on store clerks (because their store is messy), taking it out on check out clerks (when the store (wal-mart) doesn’t have 5 of the 7 items on my list, that I usually get there. I stopped myself from snapping at whoever manages the New Orleans Saints Facebook page because they advertised a link for 50% off of previously worn by players jerseys and the 50% off price was $4,500! I’ve snapped at 2 patients already because they were knocking on the door to get in over an hour before we opened today. (Can’t you read the damn hours sign on the door!) (We were here to do paperwork.) And now I’ve got a “I feel guilty” raging headache because my blood pressue is probably through the roof.

    Deep breaths and a temple massage may help. Take care.

  3. I’ve been there, it’s not fun. But I do know it does not last. I hope things work out soon.

  4. ((hugs)) Fear is a powerful thing and it rears its head in many ways. Like you just described. Face fear…you have done it so many times before, you know how to. I know you do.

  5. I think sometimes we have to stop fighting the fear and the anger and just let it all wash over us so that it can ebb away. Holding it in can’t be productive.

  6. I’ve been out of touch… but I’m always sending you love!

  7. Oh MommaSunshine! I so know how you feel. This distance thing does suck, But I am learning patience and I am learning how to not hold on too tight. I have never experienced anything like this and I know it’s all about the age and circumstance. Oh, if I was only 20 yrs younger, childless, and free, me and TH would be in bliss. I have felt so angry I have made some bad choices. I’m about to fix that. It is so freaking weird experiencing love with distance, children, past hurts, 40+ candles on the b-day cake. I want love to happen as it did. I’m angry that it isn’t. Let’s get through this,k? My heart goes out to all of us in this situation.

  8. […] Anger consumed me on Thursday. […]

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