Whirlwind

It seems like someone has turned up the speed dial on life lately; everything is moving much too fast.

CBG weekend went by in a blur. Sure, we spent some good quality time together; on the one hand, we managed to do lots of fun things together, but on the other, it felt like the whole weekend was go, go, go, without any real time to just sit back and relax and just enjoy one another.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, because really, I’m not. I always feel appreciative of the time that we get to spend together. It’s just that certain things we do together are a little more soul-restoring than others. I guess there just wasn’t enough of that this weekend for my liking.

And so I sit here this morning, reluctant to officially begin the week. I’m already running down through the to-do list in my head. Work will likely be busy, as I’ve been given some added responsibilities there; but it’s my home life that wears me out more than anything. The week will be full of early morning runs, a chiropractor visit, trying to get the house back into shape after the weekend, cooking and cleaning and starting to work on my dozens of lists in preparation for our family vacation coming up in just a couple of weeks.

I’m tired just thinking about it all.

And please, forgive me for a minute while I indulge in some negativity that I haven’t allowed myself to think and feel for a while, would you?

<deep breath>

The distance, as always, is wearing on me. I have so many dreams and goals for myself that I’m having a difficult time to let go of. Dreams and goals that won’t be realized because my partner lives in another city, and will be, for a good long time to come. It’s nothing new….it’s the same dilemma that I’ve been facing for two and a half years now. Though there are no more heart-wrenching, tearful goodbyes at the end of our weekends together, it still hurts. Though I have friends and a life here, and stuff that I’m working on, life without CBG is still lonely. It’s difficult to be okay with that right now. I feel done with this long distance garbage. I want my man and I want my dreams. I want it all, and it feels increasingly unfair that I don’t get to have that.

<giant exhale>

Alright, enough with the pity party. Time to take a deep breath and dive headfirst into the week.

3 Responses

  1. I’m continually impressed by how you and CBG carry your love long-distance. You’re both amazing.
    I’m curious: What’s your future plan to live near each other? When your kids reach a certain age?
    Big hugs!

    • Rachel, we have no plans at this point for either one of us to move. I share 50-50 custody with my ex and my girls have a close relationship with their dad. CBG sees his son less, but very much wants to maintain the close relationship that he has with him. So basically we’re stuck in our home cities. At one point I asked my ex to consider relocating, but he has family and friends here that he’s not willing to sacrifice.

      So at this point, barring any miracles, it would appear that we’ll be continuing the distance for the forseeable future; or at least while our kids are still living at home. I’ll be honest — some days this is a very daunting thought.

  2. You are always and should always vent when you need to and honesty, even when you vent you still are positive about it. Just saying. Xo.

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