Listening To The Silence

Last night I had plans to hang out with my awesome new single-momma friends, as seems to be our newly formed Wednesday night “thing”. I arrived home from work and did the usual things that I do when my girls are with their dad – I cooked, I cleaned, I chatted on the phone. Usually I have music playing or the tv on for some background noise.

Last night I made a point of keeping my apartment completely silent.

After I got off the phone with my girls to say goodnight, I puttered around the place, getting ready for work the next day, in total silence. No distractions. I could hear the cat moving around. I could hear sounds outside. Someone in the building ran some water. I heard the hum of my refrigerator. At one point I even took notice of the sound of my own steady breathing. Most of all, I could hear my thoughts bouncing around in my head. A pinball machine, bouncing from side to side, around obstacles, making lots of noise along the way. I slowed down and really listened to them, which isn’t something I often give myself opportunity to do (outside of when I go running).

I’ve noticed that the fear and anxiety seem to be subsiding, if only just a little bit. I am learning better how to tend to my own wants and needs and worry less about how CBG might be handling life right now. I am thinking about me and my life and what I can and need to do to make it better. The anxiety does still crop up from time to time. I allow myself to feel it as best as I can…and then release it, knowing that it doesn’t serve a useful purpose to me in my life right now. This time is about me right now….it’s about me and about letting him have his space.  So far, so good.

Now if I could only stop the bouncing thoughts, I’d be golden. But still…slowing down and just listening to the thoughts is a good first step. Last night as I sat listening to the silence, drinking it in, I noticed that it’s one of the most beautiful sounds ever.

4 Responses

  1. I love this. I absolutely agree that silence can sometimes be the best medicine, and the best feeling. I knew that after a week or so of this, you would come into your own and start to really enjoy it. I am so glad to see this is happening.

  2. You probably won’t be able to stop the bouncing thoughts (called the Monkey Mind by Buddhists) but you will learn to be aware of them and send them on their way without attachment. 🙂

    Great post.

  3. I’ve been reeling since J finished the relationship in March. It was only when someone said yesterday “there is nothing you can do about it, so forget it” that I did. It was a real moment of clarity for me.

    I hope that you find your peace soon!

  4. […] in other areas of my life, thanks to my focus on myself and my needs lately. I am feeling stronger. I am feeling more at peace. I have more clarity when it comes to both myself and my relationship with CBG. I am giving him space […]

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