Fear and Uncertainty

Yesterday was an ‘uncertain’ day. I found myself questioning everything – mainly, this decision to take a break.

I’ve realized that learning to detach from someone in a healthy way is tough….particularly from someone who isn’t as confident and trusting as she probably should be. So while I feel good about the things I’ve been doing for myself this week, yesterday I found myself dealing with fear. Fear of messing up my relationship. Fear of losing control of the situation. And most of all, fear of losing CBG. My instinct is to pull him back close to me and continue being ‘the fixer’, even though it’s not the best thing for me right now.

We talked on the phone last night – the first time we’ve really talked since he left on Monday morning. I felt like I owed him an apology for how my words may have come out yesterday on his blog post. I guess ‘tough love’ wasn’t the route to go. One more thing to feel shitty about. It boiled down to me desperately trying to make him see something that he’s either not willing or not able to see right now. And that’s not my job, is it?

I’m having a tough time with that one.

It’s really tough to let him go down his own path and figure things out for himself. A very big part of me is telling me that I’m abandoning him when he needs me the most. What I keep forgetting is that stepping back doesn’t mean I’m taking away my love – it just means that I’m not getting all up in his grill about helping him with his own stuff.

But the thing is – me, that IS love. Love has always been about giving until it hurts. It’s been about emptying my own resources for the sake of the other person. And well….we all know how that has turned out for me in the past, now don’t we?

I’m struggling to find the balance between loving and letting go. Between supporting and loving him, and taking care of myself. This is new territory for me, and fear is working overtime. Letting fear win is the sure-fire way to ensure that I screw this up for good. So I can’t go there. But keeping the fear in check is always one of my biggest challenges at the best of times – let alone now, a time when pretty much anyone would be terrified for the sake of their relationship.

I woke up at 2:30 this morning. I’d been dreaming – intensely. I dreamed that CBG died. At the point that I woke up I was trying to tell my sister and she wouldn’t believe me – I just kept saying the words over and over again, and she just laughed and said, “No! There’s no way that’s true!!”

I woke up crying and shaking. I actually had to get up out of bed to wander around my apartment a bit, just to shake it off. Clearly, my fear of losing him (and us) is penetrating everything right now. Fear is a powerful force in my life, friends. It’s when I let fear do the thinking for me that I make poor decisions. Fearful decisions.

I have to lay the fear and uncertainty to rest, so I can move on with helping myself. That’s going to be my biggest challenge for the next little while.

6 Responses

  1. Aw, the dream sounds absolutely awful. But it clearly speaks to what is going on in your brain…as M would tell me if I had that dream, that’s a worry dream (clearly!)…it’s incredibly difficult to let the fear and uncertainty go in favor of confidence and willpower and strength, but I know you have it in you and you and CBG have a bond that is truly unique, and I know you will come through this.

  2. Dreams can be so powerful and real, especially the bad ones. It sounds terrible. I still think the break is probably best for you. If you didn’t do it, you would probably be full of resentment right now instead of scared of losing him. The break is probably just showing you how much you want this to work out in the end.

  3. Man, I wish I could give you a hug. I would have the same fears and would struggle to show love without giving until it hurts. I’m a “fixer” by nature and just want to fix whatever pains a loved one, vs letting them deal with it on their own (even though they normally DO need to deal with it that way). And that dream – it shows that you love CBG so dearly and truly do fear losing him. But when fear overcomes you, you have to dig even deeper (deeper than you already are) and find that inner strength and faith that this will turn into the best decision you two ever made. As hard as it is, I sense the strength you two have within yourselves and your relationship, and know you’ll come out on the other side stronger than ever.

  4. Hugs, lovely lady.

  5. […] been feeling fearful and insecure since the Thursday before. I came to him several times over the course of a few days for […]

  6. […] noticed that the fear and anxiety seem to be subsiding, if only just a little bit. I am learning better how to tend to my own wants […]

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