I’m not going to be “that” person

In an interesting Wednesday night conversation with my single momma friends, we stumbled upon something interesting.

My relationship pattern. Without boring you with unnecessary details, my pattern in relationships is to give and give and give (with pleasure, in the beginning), until I basically deplete myself. Then I continue to give until it hurts. That’s when the resentment starts to kick in.  Despite the resentment I continue to give, and allow the resentment to build, unchecked, until it reaches the point that I need to end the relationship because too much damage has been done to repair it. Or I’m so damned resentful that I don’t want to repair it.

This happened with my two previous long-term relationships that I’ve had.

Well, as you all know, it’s been a rough few months for CBG and I. The Universe has seen fit to throw a lot of garbage our way. It’s been stressful and exhausting. I have been there to help and support him through everything – gladly. But now, I’m getting tired. I have felt the tiniest pangs of resentment kicking in over the last few weeks, particularly when I’ve felt disconnected and unappreciated. Ah, yes, my old friend codependency. Thanks for showing up now of all times.

The difference now from my last two relationships is that I’m aware of it this time. And you know what? I’m determined NOT to go down this same road. I’m not going to get in my own way. I’m not going to keep on giving despite feelings of exhaustion and resentment. I’m just not going to do it. What CBG and I have is better than any other relationship I’ve ever known. If I let my issues and weaknesses and tendencies and patterns and messed up shit ruin this one, there’s no hope for me to have a good relationship with anyone for a very long time.

Last night I had a talk with CBG. I told him that after this upcoming weekend together (YAY CBG Friday!) that I thought we should take a bit of a break…a step back from one another so that we can each work on some of our own individual “stuff”. A break where we both just retreat into our own lives for a little while, out of love and trust for the other person. I have work that I need to do. I need to take care of my own needs for a little bit, without worrying about how he’s doing. And I know that he’s got plenty of things to work on as well…and I want to give him the space to work on them.

And so that’s exactly what we’ll do. The next little while will be about us each taking care of ourselves and our needs, knowing that the other person will be there waiting for us on the other side. All in the name of being healthier and happier on the other side of this.

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6 Responses

  1. […] I’ll be honest: It’s burned me out. But as I wrote about last week, that’s my tendency, to give and give and give until I burn out. Burn out and become […]

  2. […] a few days for reassurance. I was being needy and allowing fear to take over. I continued to doubt the decision to take a break. I worried that I was somehow weakening our relationship in the process of strengthening […]

  3. […] And yet, it wasn’t perfect. A small incident on Sunday, that basically boiled down to us having different expectations of the afternoon. It was exactly an argument, but emotions got triggered and we spent at least half an hour feeling upset with one another. I know that these things happen with all couples, and I shouldn’t let it alarm me too much. And yet, it bothers me. I think it has less to do with the actual incident than with the emotions it triggered in me: my old pal, resentment. […]

  4. […] in and fix things for him. That’s the road I was headed down earlier this year, when I made the decision to take a bit of a break. What this translated into was us not really communicating a whole lot in between our regular […]

  5. […] difficult moment of his life. I faced some inner demons. I found my niche in the stepmom role. I examined my relationship with CBG and took steps to make it better. I completed a half marathon – in better time than I ever expected. In the past 365 days I have […]

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